Friday, March 25, 2005

baby, baby, baby, baby.

[title should be sung as in o-towns love should be a crime]

i realised these past days that yes, i will keep the english blog around.
it wasn't something i consciously decided, it wasn't as if i'd been pondering about quitting this really, either. however, i realised i still need this. because some things, i just won't write about in german, no.

i've dropped my panties at the german blog, so to speak, and in quite a dramatic fashion as well. the german blogosphere is scarily small, which is funny in itself, but there are some things i just can't write about with the kinda pun and language and whatever that i want there.
so yeah.

call me miss jekyll and miss hyde, please.

tuesday night, i watched er. as i always do. how much do i love thee, er?
it was the last but one episode of season 10. the episode in which kem's and carter's child is stillborn.

i cried. quite a bit, actually.

sometime last year, i went to an ob-gyn in freiburg, not my regular doctor, for a minor if acute reason, and she seemed keen to get me as a patient, when i told her that i didn't have an ob-gyn in town.
she asked what kind of contraception i used, and we talked about it, and about my pcos, and then she asked "so when will you have children?"

it caught me off guard, that question.

i laughed it off at first. and when she kept asking, i told her that i didn't have the right man in my life to procreate with, was still at uni and that yes, i want kids, some time down the road.
just not now.

"don't wait for too long." she told me. "many young women of your background don't think about having kids until it's almost too late."

i wondered for a moment whether she'd been paid to do this by the german government to increase the number of pregnancies in young, well educated women.
you never know.

then, however, she started talking about pcos in detail, warning me about what kind of struggle it migth turn out to be, how long it might take to get pregnant. sure, i'd heard it all before, read it all before, but no doctor had ever really discussed it with me.

it scared me to no end.

yes, i'm very well off, when it comes to this disorder. i'm pretty much healthy, my blood sugar rocks, my weight is ok, i have pretty much none of the nasty symptoms that many other women have.
it was so weird when lauren was here in january, to find out that she had pcos as well, and that hers was so much more dramatic, so much more severe than mine.
chances are that i won't have a whole lot of trouble getting pregnant.

but still.
i very much want to have kids at some point, and the thought that it might not work, that it might turn into a big deal, is scary.

you know how it sometimes works, on the net, a little while after that chat with the ob-gyn, i stumbled across a dozen or so very well written infertility blogs. i have been reading those ever since, with fascination and dread and concern and compassion and happiness for the women involved.

so what am i trying to say here?

i cried during er, so what.
i want to have children some day, which i've mentioned more than once as well.
i am not hearing my biological clock really loudly right now.
i'm not about to go off the pill to see whether i can get pregnant.

so what am i trying to say here?

nothing really.
just that it's weird, getting older, getting closer to wanting to procreate, what have you.

monday morning, the man said something about the happenings of the previous hours having been quite babymaking worthy, which they'd been, and it's odd, because he's done just that.
maybe that's part of what's been irking me. he's done this thing that i worry about. he's made these decisions before. it's a giant advantage that he has there, a pretty big knowledge gap between us.

i've got no clue, really.

so yeah. this post doesn't come with a decent sum-up sentence.
that baby thing, that crying during er, that reading the infertility blogs, him having been through this all, it puzzles me.
that's all.