tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30179662024-03-13T03:37:31.251+01:00caroville:blogfortified with high-dosaged happiness.carohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13607905495206225133noreply@blogger.comBlogger1271125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3017966.post-2544599702863224612007-04-20T11:15:00.000+02:002007-04-22T22:38:44.237+02:00permanently on hiatus.please go <a href="http://misscaro.blogspot.com">here</a> instead.carohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13607905495206225133noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3017966.post-1113970899270758372005-04-20T06:18:00.000+02:002005-04-21T06:45:22.856+02:00hellfire.talking with alex about hellfire and popes, on the eve of a day on which a german radical has been chosen as the new pope.<br /><br /><blockquote>"hellfire will be fun.<br />seriously, i deserve hellfire (if i hadn't already) for the swearing i've been up to these past few hours, since finding out who's been elected. ratzinger. he was my worst papal nightmare.<br />and hey, hell will be fun. all the cool people will be there!"<br /><br />"it's true, you have been a very naughty girl lately."<br /><br />"oh thanks, love. just what i needed.<br />you know, if the new pope didn't already hate me for that pre-marital sex and those birth control pills, i'm sure he'd really hate me for that adultery and marriage ruining i've been up to.<br />ratzinger. love, i can't tell you how terrible his rep is in this country.<br />noticed his bavarian accent yet?"<br /><br />"actually I did!"<br /><br />"oh, it will be so much fun to watch urbi at orbi from now on. babe, there will be people dressed as bavarians at the vatican. at all times. spreading the news that germans wear lederhosen. i'm scared."</blockquote><span style="font-style:italic;"></span>carohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13607905495206225133noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3017966.post-1112358373887699982005-04-01T14:24:00.001+02:002005-04-01T14:26:13.886+02:00a time to die.johnny cochran. harald juhnke. terri schiavo. now the pope.<br /><br />seems to be a time to die.<br />strange thought, i know.carohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13607905495206225133noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3017966.post-1111769981614136182005-03-25T17:26:00.000+01:002005-03-27T17:24:33.183+02:00baby, baby, baby, baby.<em>[title should be sung as in o-towns <a href="http://www.letssingit.com/o-town-love-should-be-a-crime-5txzxhl.html">love should be a crime</a>]</em><br /><br />i realised these past days that yes, i will keep the english blog around.<br />it wasn't something i consciously decided, it wasn't as if i'd been pondering about quitting this really, either. however, i realised i still need this. because some things, i just won't write about in german, no.<br /><br />i've dropped my panties at the german blog, so to speak, and in quite a dramatic fashion as well. the german blogosphere is scarily small, which is funny in itself, but there are some things i just can't write about with the kinda pun and language and whatever that i want there.<br />so yeah.<br /><br />call me miss jekyll and miss hyde, please.<br /><br />tuesday night, i watched er. as i always do. how much do i love thee, er?<br />it was the last but one episode of season 10. <a href="http://www.televisionwithoutpity.com/story.cgi?show=1&story=6635&limit=50&sort=">the episode in which kem's and carter's child is stillborn</a>.<br /><br />i cried. quite a bit, actually.<br /><br />sometime last year, i went to an ob-gyn in freiburg, not my regular doctor, for a minor if acute reason, and she seemed keen to get me as a patient, when i told her that i didn't have an ob-gyn in town.<br />she asked what kind of contraception i used, and we talked about it, and about my <a href="http://my.webmd.com/hw/womens_conditions/tw9104.asp">pcos</a>, and then she asked <em>"so when will you have children?"</em><br /><br />it caught me off guard, that question.<br /><br />i laughed it off at first. and when she kept asking, i told her that i didn't have the right man in my life to procreate with, was still at uni and that yes, i want kids, some time down the road.<br />just not now.<br /><br /><em>"don't wait for too long."</em> she told me. <em>"many young women of your background don't think about having kids until it's almost too late." </em><br /><br />i wondered for a moment whether she'd been paid to do this by the german government to increase the number of pregnancies in young, well educated women.<br />you never know.<br /><br />then, however, she started talking about pcos in detail, warning me about what kind of struggle it migth turn out to be, how long it might take to get pregnant. sure, i'd heard it all before, read it all before, but no doctor had ever really discussed it with me.<br /><br />it scared me to no end.<br /><br />yes, i'm very well off, when it comes to this disorder. i'm pretty much healthy, my blood sugar rocks, my weight is ok, i have pretty much none of the nasty symptoms that many other women have.<br />it was so weird when lauren was here in january, to find out that she had pcos as well, and that hers was so much more dramatic, so much more severe than mine.<br />chances are that i won't have a whole lot of trouble getting pregnant.<br /><br />but still.<br />i very much want to have kids at some point, and the thought that it might not work, that it might turn into a big deal, is scary.<br /><br />you know how it sometimes works, on the net, a little while after that chat with the ob-gyn, i stumbled across a dozen or so very well written infertility blogs. i have been reading those ever since, with fascination and dread and concern and compassion and happiness for the women involved.<br /><br />so what am i trying to say here?<br /><br />i cried during er, so what.<br />i want to have children some day, which i've mentioned more than once as well.<br />i am not hearing my biological clock really loudly right now.<br />i'm not about to go off the pill to see whether i can get pregnant.<br /><br />so what am i trying to say here?<br /><br />nothing really.<br />just that it's weird, getting older, getting closer to wanting to procreate, what have you.<br /><br />monday morning, the man said something about the happenings of the previous hours having been quite babymaking worthy, which they'd been, and it's odd, because he's done just that.<br />maybe that's part of what's been irking me. he's done this thing that i worry about. he's made these decisions before. it's a giant advantage that he has there, a pretty big knowledge gap between us.<br /><br />i've got no clue, really.<br /><br />so yeah. this post doesn't come with a decent sum-up sentence.<br />that baby thing, that crying during er, that reading the infertility blogs, him having been through this all, it puzzles me.<br />that's all.carohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13607905495206225133noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3017966.post-1111497469481295092005-03-22T14:17:00.000+01:002005-03-22T14:17:49.483+01:00a day in the life of.<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/caro/sets/175576/" title="a day in the life of"><img src="http://photos6.flickr.com/7103800_2e54c9561a_o.jpg" width="334" height="1312" alt="a day in the life of: a flickr photo project" /></a>carohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13607905495206225133noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3017966.post-1111235567931753802005-03-19T13:25:00.000+01:002005-03-19T13:32:47.933+01:00a weekend full of weekendy things.the week passed super quickly, and now it's saturday already. today being saturday means tomorrow will be sunday, and i'll get on a train in the morning and trip to hamburg and will stay there for about 24 hours, doubtlessly having an exquisitly good time.<br />what a <a href="http://www.flickr.com/groups/adayinthelife/">dilo </a> photo opportunity this will be! :)<br /><br />oh. yes.<br /><br />time is on our <a href="http://www.side-hamburg.de/">side</a>.<br />for once.<br /><br />i'm amazed already how much one starts treasuring little things in this situation i never wanted to be in in the first place, this situation i really don't care much about at all, truth be told. the latter surprises me to no end.<br /><br />in any way, it will be good. oh yes. this week sucked. i'm tired (but almost healthy again, yeah!). the parents are annoying me. there's work. there's everything. i need to get away from it all. and i will do just that this weekend.<br /><br />off to enjoy myself.<br />yeah.carohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13607905495206225133noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3017966.post-1111070836291112042005-03-17T15:38:00.000+01:002005-03-17T15:50:08.623+01:00it's not ok.<a href="http://www.alertnet.org/thenews/newsdesk/N15664847.htm">news like these</a> make me even more worried for <a href="http://www.wm3.org">damien echols</a> than i already am anyway.<br /><br />i saw a report on jimmy ray slaughter and that <em>"brain fingerprint"</em> method a few months ago. while i can't attest to its overall validity, the report i saw made sense. mr.slaughter seemed hopeful.<br />when i read about his execution, early yesterday morning, i felt like throwing up.<br />strapped down to a guerney, he told his three daughters <em>"it's OK, it's OK, i love you."</em><br /><br />it's not ok, when a state kills a citizen. it's not ok when this citizen is killed for a crime he did not commit. it's just not ok.<br />nothing is ok when it comes to the us and the death penalty.<br /><br />i'm not sure what my view is on life after death. but i hope mr.slaughter is in a good spot now. i'm sure it's better place than within the us prison system.<br /><br />i think and worry about damien, jessie and jason, every single day.carohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13607905495206225133noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3017966.post-1110793718195719272005-03-14T10:30:00.000+01:002005-03-14T11:13:44.546+01:00closer.i spent a good chunck of my sunday arvo chatting with <a href="http://feelinglistless.blogspot.com/">stu</a>. we hadn't done this in way too long, which means months, 6 months, at least, and my emailing had been rather unreliable these months as well, and catching up was much needed and enjoyable and cool and fun.<br /><br />i suck so much at staying in touch.<br />that's one thing i really want to change about myself this year.<br /><br />i realised, thinking about what has been going on these past months, that stu was the <em>only </em>person i ever really openly talked to about that relationship i used to be in, and i did so months and months and months ago (it might have been a year, actually). i think he potentially understood recent things i've done much better than anyone else. he is the only person who had the backstory. he had to listen to all the shit months ago, and he kept telling me i should do what i think was best, what felt best, and i didn't listen.<br /><br />i wish we lived closer, <a href="http://feelinglistless.blogspot.com/2005/03/more-soonish.html">and so does he</a>, because hanging out and watching movies and doing things friends do would rock, and rock muchly, because with stu, you know, you've got someone who listens well and carefully and asks the right questions and who will definitely be able to tell you the end of that movie you fell asleep to the previous night.<br /><br />thanks, stu.<br /><br /><a href="http://feelinglistless.blogspot.com/2001/12/blog-anything-but-sanitys-caro-has.html">we've come a long way. </a>:)<br /><br />next time in the uk, a visit is due. yes.<br />i'll do a big old tour of the uk then. the brother in london. stu in liverpool. and the cool folks of <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/tags/odiham/">odiham</a>, hampshire. i'll bring beer!<br /><br />internet, how much do i love thee?carohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13607905495206225133noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3017966.post-1110646579808143242005-03-12T17:54:00.000+01:002005-03-12T17:56:19.810+01:00brand new toy.after all these years.<br /><a href="http://misscaro.blogspot.com/">en allemand. auf deutsch. in german.</a><br /><br />not much there yet. but you asked to be informed. so there. :)carohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13607905495206225133noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3017966.post-1110387465126803992005-03-09T17:55:00.000+01:002005-03-09T18:32:12.393+01:00beaming. as in star trek.tonight i wish there was beaming. you know, as in star trek.<br /><br />i'd beam you here, j., and bury my face in your armpit and ask you to stroke my hair (not that i'd have to ask, i know you'd do be doing it already anyway) just so that i could relax a little, and feel loved.<br /><br />and cry.<br /><br />instead, i'll open a bottle of cheapo red, turn on some evil loud music with guitars and scrub the bathtub.<br /><br />crying.carohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13607905495206225133noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3017966.post-1110383615026745412005-03-09T16:40:00.000+01:002005-03-09T17:53:06.663+01:00daddy's with you wherever you are.today's been fucked up.<br />like seriously fucked up.<br /><br />i realised this morning that my mother's 19-year old apprentice has been accessing a german abuse and incest support ubb from the computer i'm using.<br /><br />i quickly realised which poster she was and read what she'd written. my scarleteen.com trained online lying sensor did not go off.<br />i realised that the gut feeling i've had for weeks now has been spot on. she's being raped by someone in her family. namely the man her mother (who's the worst woman you can imagine, who very openly hates her daughter, who treats her like a slave. and i am not saying this to make it sound dramatic. her mother sucks.) will marry in less than 2 weeks. the man she lives under one roof with, because she thinks her apprentice salary is not sufficient so that she can live on her own. she describes herself as suicidal.<br /><br />so a few hours later, after her lunch break, after some chatting about nothing much (me trying to gather strength to talk to her) i tell her that i saw in the explorer history what websites she's been looking at, and told her that if anything was wrong, she could always tell me and i would listen. i told her that everyone would support her if something was wrong. and that bad stuff you don't tell anyone gets much easier to handle once you've asked for support.<br /><br />she blushed, terribly, and was obviously very ashamed and smiled and grinned and told me that all was fine and dandy and well and yes, she'd come to me if something was wrong.<br /><br />and i didn't believe a single word she said. and i very obviously didn't succeed in reaching out to her.<br /><br />what now?<br /><br /><em>"you're a precious stone, you're out on your own<br />you know everyone in the world, but you feel alone<br />daddy won't let you weep<br />daddy won't let you ache<br />daddy gives you as much as you can take<br />a-ha, sha-la, a-ha, sha-la<br />daddy's gonna pay for your crashed car<br /><br />a little uptight, you're a baby's fist<br />butterfly kisses up and down your wrist<br />when you see him coming, you're licking your lip<br />nails bitten down to the quick<br />a-ha, sha-la, a-ha, sha-la<br />daddy's gonna pay for your crashed car<br />daddy's gonna pay for your crashed car<br /><br />you've got a head full of traffic <br />you're a siren's song<br />you cry for mama, and daddy's right along<br />he gives you the keys to a flamin' car<br />daddy's with you wherever you are<br />daddy's a comfort<br />daddy's your best friend<br />daddy'll hold your hand right up to the end<br />a-ha, sha-la, a-ha, sha-la<br />daddy's gonna pay for your crashed car<br />daddy's gonna pay for your crashed car<br /><br />sunday, monday, tuesday, wednesday, thursday, friday, saturday's alright"</em><br /><strong>u2. </strong>daddy's gonna pay for your crashed car.<br />[how many years did it take until i understood these lyrics?]carohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13607905495206225133noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3017966.post-1110305123518075582005-03-08T18:54:00.000+01:002005-03-08T19:09:33.293+01:00big bang.i read through the rest of j.'s weblog today, 120something pages or so, back to front.<br />i fell in love a little more (who would have thought that was possible in the first place) with every click on 'newer stories'.<br /><br />there was laughing at his brilliance and still recognising <a href="http://alaska.blogspot.com/2005/02/this-isnt-happening.html">95%</a> of all musical references, getting all warm and fuzzy reading his writing about the kid, reading between the lines when his affairs started, strangely enough not being able to tell when they ended, and even more strangely not being one bit jealous or weirded out but quite pleasantly thinking <em>"cool, at least he got some"</em>.<br /><br />so i keep falling and falling and falling some more with every word i read and every sms and every email (and there were more than a hundred again today) and every phone call and it's wonderful because there's not a hint of doubt or anything i feel the need to hide. mindblowing.<br /><br />i'm fortunate. i'm thankful.<br />i think i received the biggest bestest present i could have ever received.<br /><br />big bang, this.carohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13607905495206225133noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3017966.post-1110302729498466562005-03-08T18:03:00.000+01:002005-03-09T08:25:37.810+01:00ecstasy?i took my pussy to her bi-annual check up at the ob/gyn this afternoon.<br />it's something i don't dread, but something i actually enjoy. because my ob/gyn rocks. he's adorable. he's seriously the best doc i've ever seen, funny, communicative and smart and have i mentioned funny?<br />i can very much live out my wannabe-medical-professional-hypochondriac side, and he'll play along and feed me as much info as i want, as detailed as i want. and he's funny, have i mentioned that?<br /><br />the pussy check-up was done and over with quickly and we chatted along nicely and afterwards, i put on my undies and pants and took off my top and bra and got out of from behind the curtain and positioned myself in front of my doc, arms raised and hands at my head, ready for the breast exam, all the while chatting, as he starts doing the exam.<br /><br />and then he notices the -ahem- <strike>love bites</strike> bruises on the inside of my upper right arm.<br /><br /><i>"what happened to you there?"</i>, he asks me, as he keeps checking my boobs for lumps.<br /><br />for one second, two seconds, three seconds, i try to make up a good reason in my head, something along the lines of <i>"i bump into things at all time yadayadayada"</i>, until he interrupts my line of thought.<br /><br /><i>"ecstasy?"</i> he asks.<br /><br /><i>"YES!"</i>, i laugh out, and he laughs, too, and then we're both laughing and the exam is done and we're still laughing and he writes stuff on my file as we both laugh and i tell him about that new lover i got myself and that he should have seen my chin a few days ago, and he tells me he's glad i'm happy and we laugh and say <i>"see you in 6 months"</i>, and good lord, doesn't my ob/gyn rock?<br /><br />i'm out of his office and still laughing and calling j, who laughs, too, and then i drive back to the store, with the music way too loud singing along to something for kate and wilco in an awful cockney type accent and all the while laughing.<br /><br />ecstasy. bloody hell, yes. ecstasy!carohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13607905495206225133noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3017966.post-1110278418046441402005-03-08T11:29:00.000+01:002005-03-08T11:42:05.483+01:00caro's addiction.i wish i had a camera on hand to take a photo of the books i got myself today.<br />of the stack, the tower, the giant tower of books i got myself today.<br /><br />it's a smart contemporary collection, that one. roar.<br />3/4 of helmut krausser complete works (another 1/8th will arrive tomorrow), a wonderfully funny green book with j.'s name in it, one half of m.houellebecq's complete works (the one half i don't own yet), some thomas kapielski and one book by moritz von uslar.<br /><br />how good i don't have to pay for them.<br />i can not support my habit. how am i supposed to one day <em>pay </em>for all the books i <strike>want</strike> need?<br /><br />i should find myself a sugardaddy.<br />oh, wait. done. kinda.<br /><br />fucking hell, i'm in a brilliant mood today.carohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13607905495206225133noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3017966.post-1110276153515168272005-03-08T10:51:00.000+01:002005-03-08T11:14:15.483+01:00a trip down memory lane collins street.<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/ssandars/tags/carobldg/" title="Photo Sharing"><img src="http://photos5.flickr.com/6112977_0fd8436b25_o.jpg" width="342" height="85" alt="scootie rocks" /></a><br /><br /><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/ssandars/">scootie</A>, fellow flickrite, took some photos of a former melbourne workplace for me.<br />he got me all melbournesick. and happy, too. and he tagged them "carobldg". how cool is that?<br /><br />i loved the short while i worked there, in a law firm full of brilliant and bizarre people, the place that shaped my love for ip.<br />so cool to have these wonderful photos.<br />wow. how much do i love the internet? how much do i love flickr?<br />*swoon*carohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13607905495206225133noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3017966.post-1110269444088537602005-03-08T09:07:00.000+01:002005-03-08T09:10:44.090+01:00traffic jams made bearable.all it takes is "back to you" by something for kate. any version will do.<br />this morning it was the piano one, and even that worked.<br /><br />and then i do that old rewind-replay-rewind-replay routine on the last bit. and that singing along thing, too.<br /><br /><em>ooh ooh<br />one of these days<br />i find myself talking to ghosts<br />there's no such thing as a stupid question<br />but i watch her making so much noise<br />that she thinks that she can win them over<br />win them over<br /><br />i watch her making so much noise<br />that she thinks that she can win them over<br />win them over<br /><br />but i have a compass<br />i watch the sundial<br />and i defy gravity just to get myself<br />back to you</em><br /><br />thank you, paul dempsey.carohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13607905495206225133noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3017966.post-1110220675894659672005-03-07T19:32:00.000+01:002005-03-07T19:37:55.896+01:00the worst kind of fanmail i have ever written.i forwarded j. the thankyouforbeingonthattalkshowtalkingaboutmeetingyoursoulmate-email that i sent to pierre franckh this morning. doubtlessly the worst kind of fanmail, the uncoolest kind of email i have written in my entire life.<br /><br />i'm obviously totally beyond being embarrassed by anything in front of him.<br />that's good, isn't it?carohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13607905495206225133noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3017966.post-1110196180923286972005-03-07T12:48:00.000+01:002005-03-07T19:05:00.206+01:00life map.getting to know someone new, leaving someone you used to be with, is like travelling to a new country, is like leaving another.<br />you change and you let <em>others</em> change your life map, your geographical orientation. or at least that's what i do.<br /><br />you take different paths then before, you catch different planes and trains and go to different pubs where different music is playing and you create memories at these places and sometimes they become yours, too.<br /><br />i'm happy and excited about the new additions to my life map, whatever they will be, whereever they will be, but underneath the happiness and excitement is a tinytinytinytiny little bit of sadness about loosing the spaces and places i've recently lost, because they were never really mine anyway.<br /><br />it's good to know that i already know the music that'll be in all those new place on my life map.<br /><br />and it's good to know i've got such a great companion by my side.carohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13607905495206225133noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3017966.post-1110195702115709162005-03-07T12:32:00.000+01:002005-03-08T09:00:19.496+01:00material girl.material things i could but would not want to live without.<br />[a random list.]<br /><br />high quality shoes [ideally: pointy]. touche éclat by yves saint laurent. flickr.com (the first website i ever paid money for). a mobile phone made by siemens. gmail. vegemite. lush products. digital photography. diet coke (poison, i know.). high quality red wine. cheap and trashy red wine. red wine in general. astroglide. mac lipsticks. unlimited access and ownership of books. mobile music. membership to a gym with spinning and bodypump. a computer. wolford.<br /><br /><br /><i>[and i realised this is it, really. i thought about it for a few more hours, and i realised that all the rest is highly irrelevant. i could live in an almost empty flat as long as i got to keep the books and the computer and the other tech stuff and the music and my vegemite and my wolford stockings.]</i>carohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13607905495206225133noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3017966.post-1110188177496498102005-03-07T10:32:00.000+01:002005-03-07T12:51:22.936+01:00the industry of art.beuys and i, we agree. i believe in art. i believe that everyone is an artist.<br /><br />i am, however, more than a little amused that <a href="http://www.fabienfryns.com/artist/hohenlohe/"> hubertus von hohenlohe</a> gets <a href="http://www.westlicht.com/index.php?id=31378">exhibitions of photography</a> that yes, is interesting on some level, yes, but oh-so-boring on so many other levels, and just not outstanding at all, if one knows <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/caro/favorites/">flickr</a>.<br />strange that pseudoaristorcracy and celebrities will still get you somewhere in europe, in the year 2005.<br /><br />i do not believe in the industry of art.carohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13607905495206225133noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3017966.post-1110123444182202052005-03-06T16:36:00.000+01:002005-03-06T16:37:24.183+01:00irgendwoher.<i>du gehst mir<br />nicht mehr aus dem sinn<br />als ob<br />wir uns irgendwoher kennen</i>carohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13607905495206225133noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3017966.post-1110122793185587922005-03-06T16:23:00.000+01:002005-03-06T16:54:08.140+01:00thank you.frankfurter allgemeine sonntagszeitung, thom yorke, evan (for musical education), absolut vodka (for calming me down), dieter (for free internet access), deutsche bahn (for ice trains), andrea (for listening), the notwist (for "consequence"), pierre franckh (for polishing my sensors with his story on a crappy tv show), google.com (for finding things), flickr.com (for pictures), jeremy (for the blue room), blogging, the internet, chance, life.<br /><br />thank you. thank you. thank you.carohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13607905495206225133noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3017966.post-1110122202250606872005-03-06T16:10:00.000+01:002005-03-06T17:56:57.636+01:00thursday, march 3rd, 2005, 11am.walking through the brandenburg gate, the battery of my camera is already running a little low, there are masses of tourists posing for pictures and i am shutting them all out with the music in my ears. snow is falling, gently, even though the sun is out a tiny tiny little bit as well, and i look down the strasse des 17.juni, siegessäule almost invisible in soft greyness and jim kerr sings into my ear <em>"oh come this way/will you look down this way/i go down on the street/where the wild wind's blowing/here comes a hurricane</em> and that hurricane has happened, and is happening, still, and my chin is scratched and my gluteus maximus sore and other body parts are too, and good lord, i am happy and missing him already, in the nicest, bestest way possible. ever.carohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13607905495206225133noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3017966.post-1110119781947046312005-03-06T15:30:00.000+01:002005-03-06T16:07:36.383+01:00on what it was like.<em>[written into the moleskine while sitting alone at bar tolluci, in eisenacher str., march 2nd 2005, just past 7pm]</em><br /><br />i hate sitting in restaurants by myself. usually i do, at least. but today, i don't care. at all. i care about nothing today.<br />how often have i been at restaurants by myself anyway? a handful of times. the most memorable being my expensive dinner at <a href="http://www.doyles.com.au/wharf.html">doyle's </a>in sydney, after deciding that jumping off the gap was not an option anymore. but whatever. this isn't what i am really thinking about right now.<br /><br />how am i supposed to put this day into words?<br /><br />j. is totally different from what i had expected him to be like. and he is just what i had expected him to be like. he is everything. we are the same. we laugh the same way. we smile equally much.<br />the strangest of it all, however, the scariest, maybe, is that we taste the same way. his kiss tastes like kissing did at 15; like smokes and wrigley's spearmint gum and comfort. he himself, however, tastes like me. just like me. sweet. subtle. delicious.<br />wow.<br /><br />we didn't hesitate at all. kissing at the door, off with the clothes, naked and in bed for the following 5 hours.<br />it was simultaneously brandnew and wellknown and intimate and personal and all that is a true shocker because it's never been that way before, ever. there was not a moment of performance worries, not a moment of worries about physical attraction, not a moment of <em>*thought*</em> in that room the colour of a swimmingpool.<br />it was just perfect and familiar and wonderful.<br /><br />we talked and listened to music and snuggled and started all over again and it was simply relaxed and wonderful and as if we'd been up to this for years.<br />it's as if he has always been there. always.<br />at some point i even uttered the words <em>"i want to keep you"</em>. and that's what i do. seriously.<br />past 5pm, past listening to a multitude of versions of "karma police" and a shower and hectic getting dressed, we left the flat and caught a cab and it was bizarre, because there was some sun out there, and that snow, and people, and berlin, and cars and the world hadn't stopped, even though it had felt like it had.<br />it was a little much, that world, underslept and underfed and overstimulated and totally high on endorphines and totally out of it, out of everything. herbert grönemeyer was on the cabbies radio and <em>"ich fühl mich leer und verbraucht/alles tut mir weh"</em> got a totally new meaning, and we laughed. lots.<br />suitable song, that one. for ever connected to that cab ride.<br /><br />and then we were already at the hotel and he walked home and good lord, was i totally not jealous. i wonder how he managed. he's not the type of person for this kind of thing, i keep thinking. not at all.<br /><br />after all that intensity, being alone was surprisingly needed, which i just hadn't expected at all. gulped down some powerade and quickly snacked through my leftover train ride food to counter severely low blood sugar levels. i felt like fainting. shower. then rest. then facial restoration. then getting dressed. then walking the few metres here.<br />the pizza is okay, and cheap too, and we'll go to bright eyyes in a little while.<br />wonderful.<br /><br />i hope the location is small and pretty and cozy. i want a bar and drinks and dark corners for making out.<br />i'm looking forward to hh, to staying in bed all day. yeah.<br />so. time to pay. time to walk to the hotel. time to wait for j.<br /><br />wow.<br />was today life-changing?<br />fucking hell, yes.<br /><br />yet i'm still calm, and unfazed, somehow, someway.<br />wow.carohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13607905495206225133noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3017966.post-1110126903471807152005-03-06T15:28:00.000+01:002005-03-06T17:37:20.743+01:00a room, the colour of a swimming pool.<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/caro/5990516/" title="Photo Sharing"><img src="http://photos3.flickr.com/5990516_81220c63b8_s.jpg" width="75" height="75" alt="later." /></a> <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/caro/5817333/" title="Photo Sharing"><img src="http://photos6.flickr.com/5817333_54f41bcc57_s.jpg" width="75" height="75" alt="blue." /></a> <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/caro/5817291/" title="Photo Sharing"><img src="http://photos4.flickr.com/5817291_c119f6054c_s.jpg" width="75" height="75" alt="blue." /></a>carohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13607905495206225133noreply@blogger.com