i thought what i felt was simple.

friday morning, i took time off my daughterly duties at the bookshop, didn't get up at 6am, as usual, but at 8am instead and lounged in the tub with some lush goodness instead of showering, all the while listening to bfbs.

and then lisa loeb's "stay" came on, transporting me to a hangovered waking up on a couch in andrea's flat in october 1994, after a night of drinking and kissing.
kissing frank.

and i cried.

why exactly, i don't know.
maybe because time has been flying by so quickly. maybe because i've failed to use my opportunities. maybe because so many things have turned out different to what i had hoped they would. maybe because i had watched "before sunset" three times within 24 hours last week.

that movie ruined all the excuses i have made for myself over the years. completely.

yeah, romance is so hard to substain in real life. yeah, time passes by. yeah, you grow older. yeah, you adapt to what life serves you and to the duties you have.

but hell, why have i gotten so hooked on the mediocre? why am i not living and loving as grand as i always demanded from myself in the past? why have i given up?
i wonder. i really do. i did better at that being daring thing in 2003. why not anymore?

just one more goal for this new year, i guess: aiming higher.