when old lads die.

things with the old lad have not gone the way they should have.

isn't it always that way?

i visited the lad in the internet cafe/laundromat's cellar on saturday, and michael raved about how fine he was, how he had needed a new energy plug something and a new fan (all of which i had expected) and i looked on as an anti-virus programm found 6 virii (or is it viruses?) and he deleted about a few hundred cookies and the like. he assured me all would be well, i would get the lad back on monday, pay for the material, and all would be well. he told me he had gotten me some ram for free (yay) but kept saying that he thought my harddrive was very slow. dieter was there, too, and we talked about the harddrive, about how old it was, how i was saving for an ibook and just needed the lad for another six months or so and didn't care about a total rehaul, because the lad's time was clearly over.
michael kept muttering about the harddrive though. and dieter told him not to do much with it. i said the same.

when i walked into the place on tuesday, michael approached me with a concerned look on his face.
yes, i immediately knew something was very wrong.
yes, he had played with the harddrive.

you know, michael loves computers because he likes computers.
he loved hardware, wiring things, plugging them togther, software updates. he loves them because they exist. because they give him something to do.
yes, i too love computers.
but i don't love them for the sake of their existence. i love them because they let me do things, like write, like stay in touch with other people, sharing things, what have you.

so yes, michael fucked my harddrive when he was well-meaningly trying to make it faster. he thought that because he likes faster harddrives, i would like it, too, even though i had mentioned multiple times that no, i didn't care much about a faster harddrive, because i didn't want any fucking with the it. because i love my data too much and all, yes?

so yeah.

my 10gb of stuff (possibly minus the outlook emailage) are still there, even though they now reside on a harddrive in michael's computer. no, this is not where i really like them to be.
apparently, after he was fucking around with the harddrive (what exactly he did, i haven't quite understood), he got all those hardware errors that just wouldn't stop. he worked on it for 6 hours, to no avail. bless him for saving my things somewhere else first.

so the lad will now need a new harddrive, which will raise the cost from abou5 50€ to 125€. great.

that's 10% of an ibook.

i've calmed down now, i really have.
i had such a hard time on tuesday, after michael told me what he'd done. i had to remind myself that he had meant well, and quite likely failed not because of lack of skills, but because of the old lad.

you know, because things with michael aren't always easy.
while he's surely the best computer person i know, he's also the only person i know who's got borderline personality disorder. well, at least he's the only person i know who's been properly diagnosed.
so things with michael can be difficult. he doesn't take criticism well at all. it makes him withdraw completely and can spark bouts of aggression and self-injury.
i stayed away for a little while after tuesday. i was too fucking angry. and too sad, too.
it's not like i've got any money to spare righ now. like no money at all.

so i sat down with michael yesterday and calmly explained why i had been upset.
that i understood why he had played with the harddrive, even though i had asked him not to and that he had meant well, and that i saw it and the hard work he has been putting into the old lad for days. and that i was happy he had saved my stuff twice.
we talked about possible ways to save those damn aol email from years ago.
he understood, and we made peace.
so it all ain't hopeless, no.

i just need a new harddrive now. for a computer that i really don't want any more.

damn it.