Thursday, December 09, 2004

the return of the d™.

my mood right now, it's not good at all.
today was more of yesterday, really, and it's the pattern i loved and hated so dearly and lived so completely back in the time of my depression, in the days of the d™

the sleeping poorly. the staying in bed till mid-day. the lack of connection. the avoiding of duties. the eating crappily. the not being hungry. the physical complaints.

i know this drill, and i hate it, i really do.
picking myself up right now, getting out of this funk seems impossible though.

i'm not announcing the return of the d™. no way. i'm not giving in into that kind of self-fulfilling-prophecy thinking after two days of feeling poor.
but too much is bothering me right now. too much is annoying the hell out of me. too much is making me feel as lost as back in the old days of the d™. and too much is making me sad.
i could beat myself up about so many things right now, about school and my shitty preparations for the exams, about my relationships, about the family stuff, about dropping out of therapy (which i'D need right now), about longing for things, abotu not wanting things right now, about pretty much anything.

i know if i deal with those things, i'll feel better, even though dealing with them will make me and others feel temporarily worse.
but then, i've never been good at that, at dealing with things that might be painful.

i should start improving that skill, if i ever want to be fully responsible for myself, if i ever want to be truly happy.