Wednesday, December 08, 2004


i've got my life back. the hijacking is over. but oh, am i too lame™ to do anything good with it.

i returned to freiburg late monday, just in time for that last compulsory law class i still have.
but i returned with a heavy heart and am feeling anything but well.

it wasn't because my dad is not well: he is. at least physically, recovering from the surgery as good as a text book case.
how he's psychologically is a different story though. today, his doc mentioned to my mom that she had never seen someone struggle this much with the psychological aftermath of bypass surgery. he's scared shitless, even though he mastered his stress ecg, longterm ecg, longterm blodd pressure, lung function test, everything.
on tuesday, he'll finally be heading to cardiac rehab. i hope he'll get the support he needs to recover fully, both physically and mentally.
the depression will pass, that's what all the textbooks say. but telling him that is not helping, as my dad's view of mental illness is that if you've had it once, you'll always have it. yeah, that's one reason why i never told him and my mom that i was depressed.
in his current situation, this view is ruining him. he feels broeken, and his philosophy tells him that he won't ever get better.
when i said goodbye to him late monday morning, i was close to tears, feeling so helpless at his sadness, feeling guilty for leaving him sick in hospital.

leaving my mom wasn't nice either.
she's been leaning on me heavily these past weeks. i supported her as well as i could, with small things like reminding her to eat and big things like spending 4 to 6 hours with my dad every day.
now i feel like i'm cheating my responsibilities by leaving her alone with all the work at the bookstore, with my dad, with her worries. even though i quite simply had to get back to class, at least for another 2 weeks or so.

i'm feeling guilty, too, because i'm so exhausted right now, that i haven't done nearly enough to justify me being in this town again.
monday night, after class, all i did was unpack, chat a little with dirk and head to bed. yesterday, i spend all day with alex and his adorable, freezing parents (floridians can not get used to our winters, i reckon), showing them around the city and having a splendid time.
it was sad though, too, because i'll miss alex more than i could have ever expected when i first met him in july, more than i can put into words.. i'll miss him. terribly.

today i didn't manage to get up before noon, having a splitting headache and other bodily aches requiring more naproxen than i've put into my body in years after a sleepless night. i spend the afternoon at the laundromat, catching up on news with dieter, doing laundry, flickr-ing.
i'm so lame.

i've wanted to be alone for three weeks, and now that i am alone in the evenings, all i do is collapse in front of the stupid telly, eating vegan christmas snacks. yeah for printen. yeah for marzipan. yeah for lebkuchen.
at least i can blame my lack of workouts on my physical ailments.

lame™. lame™. lame™.

that's me.