Friday, November 05, 2004


i'm tense.
it's not just because of the election and how people have reacted to it, even though that has had a major impact on me as well.

there are no good news from my father so far, and that worries me a lot. actually, there really aren't any news concerning him.
he's been in hospital for a week now, various tests have been done, and they still aren't sure what exactly is wrong with his heart. they just know that something is indeed wrong.
after feeling better for a few days, he's back on intravenous medication since yesterday, after again experiencing intense chest pain wednesday night.
he'll have to go to a specialised cardio clinic for additional diagnostics, cardiac catheterization, to be exact and right now, with limited capacities there for that procedure, it looks like he might have to wait until next thursday for these tests. because he is not stable yet and needing the meds intravenously, he has to remain is hospital till then.
the good thing is, that during catheterization they already do angioplasty and stenting and atherectomy. so it's really not just diagnostics, but treatment, too.

the most worrisome however is that should my dad experience the chest pain he had wednesday night again, he will be transferred into intensive care so that he'll be supervised 24/7.
from a safety point of view, that would be good of course. - i know i'd feel much better knowing he was under constant supervision and connected to an ecg if this pain returns. but still. this is scary shit.

unfortunately, my dad is so manly when it comes to being sick. he is is trying to be brave when it's totally pointless to be brave.
the other day, they did another stress ecg. the administrator could already see on the ecg that something was wrong with my dad's heart, that he must be in pain, yet he didn't tell her he wasn't feeling good until much later.
i really hope he's not trying to be brave next time that chest pain kicks in for real to avoid being admitted into intensive care.
right now, i am not expecting him to be released any time soon. - and why should he be released if it's unclear yet what's been causing this, and what can be done against it?

once i'll be back from the ip seminar in bavaria late tuesday night, i will head up north. my mom seems to be running on empty, and i feel bad about not being there to assist her and my dad in some way. i am not sure what i can do, but i need to go there.
my mom seems quite freaked out, even though she's been holding up well, apart from a phone call last weekend during which she cried for half an hour, being drained and worried and lonely.
i'm not yet on the verge of breaking down, but i'm tense and worried and freaked, if i don't distract myself, that is.

yesterday evening, after a day of busyness, i went to a yoga class at my gym, taught by bettina, my first ever sivananda teacher. i hadn't been in one of her classes in almost 18months, not since joining ralph's class, not since quitting ralph's class. until last night, i hadn't gotten an instructed yoga lesson in more than 6 months. way too long, yes.

so last night, i got a full dose of yoga, even though the class was very slow, aimed at all the total yoga newbies that were there. - it served me well though.
6 months of practising not nearly enough and without instruction have left me weak and mis-aligned during my asanas. my home practise has been anything but successful.

i can't remember the last time i've been as tense as last night. even the usual super easy downward dog was painful, my hamstrings angry at being stretched.
it pushed me over the brim, last night's yoga and following relaxation, leaving me calm, yet exhausted and tired and needing rest. i think it broke down my barriers, so that i had to let out all the emotion that has been boiling beneath the surface.
i urgently need a real sivananda yoga class again. i need the practice, instruction, chanting and community. i'll have to ask bettina next thursday whether she knows any sivananda teacher in town. anyone but ralph, that is.

right now, i can feel yesterday's yoga class in my legs and latissimus and longissimus. it's a good feeling, knowing i worked my muscles, yet it makes me realise that i'm tense, yet again, and that the results were shortlived.
it's cold outside, and that's been making me cramp up as well. i don't have clothes that fit right now, everything is too large and hanging off me, and my coat is nowhere near warm enough for winter.

and i'm tense on the inside, too.

i've got my old tension type headaches again, way too regularly, too. my tinnitus is loud, day and night. i feel cold.
i want company, i don't like being alone. yet when dirk's here, like last night, i can't relax at all and find myself avoiding the company i so crave.
i want to be able to rest. unfortunately, he's fidgety and restless, making it impossible for me to rest, or to rely on him.
he's fidgety and restless because he's unhappy about where he is in life, fidgety and relstless because he's jealous of pretty much anyone for no reason at all, fidgety and restless because my days are jam-packed yet his aren't, fidgety and restless because i am working hard to move in some direction, and he isn't moving much at all. our lives are very much non-compliant right now.
i need someone to rely on right now, with everything that's currently on my plate, someone who supports me, someone who can look after me, just for a short little while. yet dirk doesn't seem to be in a position to offer all that at all right now, and while i'm sympathetic as to his reasons for not being able to do that right now, i'm still sad about me having to do the nurturing and caring and pep-talking at a time when i just don't have the energy to do so.
last night, i could not possibly relax in his presence. it was as if there was a jammer inside him, throwing me further off balance. - it was a highly uncomfortable situation.
i've been unable to explain to him what exactly has been so irritating to me, what exactly i'm expecting right now. as usual, i have trouble "demanding" something from someone.

i'm not sure whether i'll head over to his place tonight after hopefully exhausting myself to the max at the gym with back to back step and boxing classes.
there are a few more things that i need to do, errands i need to do, a whole bunch of verdicts i need to read, bags to pack, shopping that needs to be done, before i head off to chiemsee early sunday morning, and i don't want to be stressed or sleep-deprived on arrival. there'll be little sleep and much work there.
plus: this is the one year hearing loss anniverary trip, after all.
i need to be careful not to stretch myself too thin again. - there's certainly as much worrying me, as much keeping me as busy as this time last year.

i'll make an effort to take one step at a time today.
i've turned off the tv to avoid getting too irritated by the news. i call home regularly to find out how my dad is. i've turned on the heater, made some ginger lemon tea and put on another fleece sweater to finally feel warmer. i've got my reading material sorted by importance and will work through it page by page. i've already done the laundry and dropped my grey pants off at the tailor's and will pick it up later this afternoon. and finally, i'll be taking time today to work out and eat a proper meal, too.

maybe being on frauenchiemsee again will help me relax, looking at the mountains, going to laudes at 5am, being in the company of fellow law folks and discussing things i'm interested in. there'll be the usual afternoon walks, and lots of photography, too. the atmo on the island is wonderful in november. i can't wait.
maybe i can relax a little, too. un-tense myself a bit.

somehow, i'll manage.
somehow, i'll be fine.