this afternoon, running errands for my mom, buying christmas decorations at the arts supply shop, i ran into someone i used to know.
he still looked like he did ten years ago. long black hair in a ponytail, leather jacket, dark jeans. he's chubbied up a little in the 7plus years (or more) that we haven't seen each other. he was shopping for crafty things with the woman who looked almost exactly like him, as certain kinds of girlfriends sometimes do.
he seemed stuck in a time warp. in the same one that pretty much everyone round here has been stuck in for the past decade.
i recognised him. he recognised me. i smiled at him. he smiled at me. we said "hello!".
as i turned away, heading for the silk paper, my subconscious activated some red flashing alarm lights, though.
like: "hey you. something is weird about seeing this bloke again."
over the course of the next few minutes, i realised what exactly was weird.
a) i realised that i had kissed him, like intensely, and seconds later it dawned on me i also remembered his horrible teeth from back then;
b) i realised that i could not remember however, whether that kissing had been once or multiple times;
c) i realised i couldn't even exactly pinpoint when and where it had happened, the incident was not noted on that infamous list i kept as a teen of all such incidents, but my gut feeling told (and still tells) me it *has* happened and that it might have been at a certain indie party i regularly went to when i was 15;
d) a little later i remembered that he had even been in love with me and that there had been an extended courtship of some kind and that i eventually turned him down, in that really evil manner that i have when turning people down because i suck so much at hurting people; and
e) i realised that i couldn't remember his name, not for the life of me.
i smiled at him a few more times, he grinned at me a few more times. usually when his girlfriend was busy picking out ugly plastic pine cones. we didn't exchange any words though.
and what should i have said anyway? "it's been ages since we met. what was your name again, and have you gotten over me being that mean to you a decade ago?". uh, thanks, but no thanks.
this encounter makes me realise once more what a strange kind of me i left behind when i left this place.
suddenly i can understand much better, too, how totte can feel so fucking guilty about sex we never had a decade ago.
i gotta get out of this city. soon.