not one. not two. not three. but four.

four is the magic number.

because my dad will get that many bypasses on his heart sometime in the near future.
quadruple bypass surgery is ahead of him.

i travelled up north to my parents on wednesday, just hours after returning from bavaria. it was the best decision i could have made. when i arrived, my mother was just barely holding up, even though on wednesday, she was still very much hopeful that all would be fine with my dad.
well, things turned out differently, when his angiography on thursday showed that he does need bypass surgery after all.
even with two weeks of starting getting used to that thought, the eventual final diagnosis is quite different.

i hadn't seen my father cry in years. or have i ever?
i don't know.

he was crying thursday night, muttering to my mother that they will cut open his ribcage, that she'll be alone throughout the busy christmas time at the shop, that he was scared.
he kept repeating that ribcage thing. he is still repeating that right now.
i, too, wouldn't want to get my ribcage cut open and wired back together, ever. that ribcage cutting is to blame for the depression often encountered by bypass patients afterwards. the yogini in me understands: cutting throught the chakras ain't no good thing, ever.
i wish my dad could get some myo afterwards to get him back on track. i wish my mom could get some myo right now to help her relax. but alas, there are no myo therapists in this part of the country yet.

but i believe in modern medicine.
the first thing i did was read up and get informed. this is the most common cardio surgery they do, this is one of the most common surgeries being done in the western world. the clinic he will go to is the best cardio clinic in this region, hands down.
but still. it's open heart surgery, it's two days in intensive care, weeks in the hospital, weeks of cardiac rehab.

my mother is absolutely freaked out. she has barely eaten these past two weeks, and so i've been mainly trying to feed her, trying to slow her down, trying to make her take one step at a time, not worrying about whether my father will be home on christmas or not and about who will feed the cat if he is but thinking about what's important right now.
my dad was released from hospital yesterday afternoon. early next week, he will find out when they'll do the surgery. i will have to be back then, and fabian will fly in from london as well. we talked on the phone yesterday, and he went off at me for 15 minutes about my wanting to convince my parents of veganism, which i so haven't been doing. i wonder where he gets his thoughts from. bizarre.
so i am the one holding up the family right now, and it is the strangest thing ever.

i sent my mother home from the shop yesterday. she was unable to stand up, really, and my dad, out of the hospital for 15 mintues, was already kinda working again.
role reversal, full blown, too.

but i'm alright. this is keeping me sane, this fleeing to the closed shop this saturday afternoon to type. listening to "cola" by tex. also keeping me sane is singing along with miten and deva premal's "satsang" cd when i'm driving in the car. tomorrow afternoon, i will go to a yoga center of my tradition for class and satsang. i need that, so much.
i have no one to lean on right now, no one at all, but i have to do this caring thing, and i will be fine and everyone will be.

this is a challenge unlike any other so far.
but my dad will be alright, my mom will be alright, i will be alright.
everyone will be alright.