Friday, October 22, 2004

body or soul?

after myo on tuesday, after the wanting to cry and being overwhelmed by whatever i usually don't let out, ever, i send chris an sms, asking him whether myo, that putting the brain into overstimulation, was intended to reach the body or the soul.
because next to obviously touching the first, he had been getting close to the latter on tuesday. scarily close in some ways.

yesterday, lying on the massage table again, he asked me how i was doing, how tuesday night had been, why i had asked whether it was about body or soul, what had been up with me.
and of course, i couldn't tell him.
i said something about it all "geting to me" imediately devalueing that statement with laughing, like i usually do. of course i told him i had managed alright, when i hadn't really.

yesterday's session was more of the same, with more of the same effects.
just that the crying almost happened in the middle of it.
i didn't let it happen though. crying in front of chris would have seemed so over-the-top. i didn't want him to get that close to me.
stupid? possibly.

what he did to my head and neck was so painful at times that i didn't have the energy to keep my eyes open. it was total overload.
add to that the having to concentrate on whether my tinnitus is still there, and you've got me knocked out. it's so unbelievably draining, that being aware of the electric sound in my ear. it drags me down, that sound. it turns me into someone who wants to curl up and cry and be cuddled and held.
afterwards, chris let me rest on the table for half an hour, wrapped in blankets, fango bags on my chest and under my neck, and for the first time in days i could actually relax for a little while. for once, i could control my urge to jump up and run away.
not that i relaxed enough to finally started to cry. i still very much felt like it though.
despite that rest, the rest of the day was rather blurry, yet again.

i could walk back into town yes, but my orientation was off, and my self-awareness was, too, and i could neither talk nor think properly.

i had forgotten to buy some essentials that morning, like a new bathroom lamp, some stationary and food, so to avoid more twilight showers, i had to subject myself to the noise and the people and the hecticness of kaufhof and müller at 5:30pm.
the results were kinda disasterous.

at kaufhof, i almost bit the head off an unhelpful staff guy, who didn't want to tell me how long the lamp i had shown him was, but instead lectured me that the length of it didn't matter, but that the connections did. which i had realised.
i was unable to argue though, or to debate, i was unable to deal at all, so i literally tore the lamp out of his hands, "thank you for trying to be helpful and failing." and ran off.
of course the lamp fits. fuck you, man. sorry to dissapoint you, but length matters sometimes.

at müller, it continued with all the stationary things i needed being sold out, and later, standing in the baby food section looking for dairy free instant semolina, i realised they were playing sting's "why should i cry for you" on the store's sound system.

"sometimes i see your face/the stars seem to lose their place/why must i think of you?/why must i?/why should i?/why should i cry for you?/why would you want me to?/and what would it mean to say,/that, "i loved you in my fashion"?"

memories. just what i needed.

i left the semolina on the shelf, left the store, hurried home.
and finally let go.
at least somewhat.
i went into ocd overdrive first, and cleaned my flat. and screamed.

and later cried, too.