Monday, September 13, 2004

funk to funky.

it's early on a sunday night, and i'm struggling with a delayed, overly persistent hangover. and i'm melancholic.
it feels like a strange combo right now, melancholy, tiredness, hungoverness all thrown into one. the more i think about it, however, the more natural it seems though.

a fair share of fun was had these past days. the strange feeling right now is the price i got to pay, i guess. and hey, it's all self-induced, this stuff. i could do something against the strange feelings, but instead i choose to think about them, write about them, and enjoy them. or something.

i came back from an ultrabrief visit to my parents friday afternoon, and alex and chris, two of the three us blokes from basel whom i met at the tour, were already waiting for me at the train station.
we spend a good night out on the town, having dinner during which we discussed us politics, beers at kastaniengarten in the company of anja, andrea and her friend maren during which we discussed us culture, and one too many cocktails and whiskey at schlappen during which chris and i chatted about his daughters and soon to be ex-wife while alex tried out his german with maren. later, we progressed (not in the true sense of the word) to elpi, which felt like time and space travel, back to the clubs of my wild teenage years. we even pogued to the police's "roxanne". and to "walking on sunshine". hadn't done that in a while. should do again soon. need to remember though, not to wear my open-toed kitten heels.

even later, the other gals long gone, we went to burger king so the two could have true american cuisine they hadn't had in ages, while i looked on. timtams and poor quality prosecco and wilco's music were dessert and it was 4am and i was falling asleep sitting up and with that the night was declared to be over.

it was lovely, really. it would have been nicer if alex hadn't wanted to leave by 11am on saturday (to get back to basel watch us college football on sky), getting up at 9am really didn't help with the headache or the voice loss or my mood.
after breakfast and aspirine and seeing them off at the train station and shopping for food i got home, put on my pjs and spend all day in bed. how else can you spend a hot humid day when you're too fragile to face the world?

when i wasn't sleeping, i listened to paul dempsey.

i should blame him for my melancholy. or maybe myself, because i keep listening to the same songs over and over. his singing has been getting me down. quite massively, actually.

wednesday morning, shortly before i left for my trip up north, a package from evan arrived.

yes, from evan. it didn't feature the underwear, cosmetics, book or housekey that i've been asking about for for more than a year. it did, however, feature the something for kate dvd he got me for christmas in 2002. and it featured a small jar of vegemite. and three varieties of timtams. and the brandnew something for kate double cd "phantom limbs - selected b-sides".
it's not unexpected or something, this package. when i found out about the new sfk cd, i asked him whether he could send it to me if i send something in return, and evan actually asked for a specific book he'd like to read in german. so this was organised, this package, but somehow, i'm still surprised that he actually did this. he made an effort. wow. i'm quite impressed. seriously.

i'm happy about the package, eveb happier about the brilliant cd.
i know most of the songs, but it's good to have them in this form nonetheless. the second cd is outstanding: mainly acoustic live versions. they sound lovely and perfect. it's as if paul dempsey sneaks through my speakers, into my flat, into my body, through my ears and skin straight into that aching spot in my stomach. it's bizarre, really.
his voice creeps into every little nook and cranny of my little heart, making it ache with longing. longing for what, though, i wonder?

the worst effect, by far, has the piano version of "back to you".
this shouldn't come as a surprise either.
i had never listened to that version of the song before. this fact hadn't prevented me from voting for it to be included on the b-sides cd when sfk asked about fave b-sides on their website a few months back. i knew there simply couldn't be a bad version of a song as perfect as "back to you" . i couldn't, however, have imagined it to be as fabulous and brilliant as it is though.

it's just paul, the piano, and the longing.
it's always been there, that longing in that song. always. i remember ages ago driving along the a42 at 140kmh, screaming along to the song at the top of my lungs, longing, longing. longing for evan.
these days are long gone. the effect of the song though isn't gone.
it makes me ache and long.
it's just far less obvious what i long for. and that's more than just a little bit confusing.
maybe that's why i keep listening to it, to find out what it is that i am longing for right now.
so far, i'm not that sure yet.

the other outstanding song is the acoustic live cover of david bowie's "ashes to ashes" which sfk played live in karlsruhe, too. more longing.

haven't written much lately, or at least i haven't posted it yet. i've been trying to write in that old self-discovery style, and so far the result has simply been to giant and confused to post. maybe i'll come to a few realisations in the process though. who knows.

it's not just there, that longing, because that holiday was lovely and i want more of that fresh air and room to breathe. it's not just because real life has got me back and because there is so much that i need to get down this coming week. it's not just because i consumed as much alcohol as i did this weekend. it's not just because i'm alone right now.

dirk left for italy on tuesday, where he's kinda working with michi as a mountain bike guide in salerno. he'll only be away for two weeks, and that's cool, of course.
i miss him though, and i worry about all the unknown that's ahead. he wasn't accepted at the school he wanted to go to, and now the lease on the downstairs flat has been terminated and he hasn't got a new place to stay and no real plan about what to do next.
i know for sure he won't be moving in with me again, like he did last time, simply because it would be so harmful for us.
i worry though. i know myself. if he won't find something, i'll be highly tempted to just let him stay again. but i really quite simply shouldn't. and i won't. maybe if i tell myself often enough that i won't do it, then i won't do it. he.

the best thing he could do right now would be to get back to our landlord, who hasn't found someone for the flat yet, and ask for a new contract. i've mentioned that more than once, and dirk doesn't want to, so i should just let him do whatever, and not worry.
but i still suck at that letting go thing. because where he moves and what he does, and whether he urgently needs a place to stay affects me, too. a lot. i love him, after all. i care about him, naturally.

for now, i should really just concentrate on what's on my plate right now. - that's more than enough as it is anyway. the rest will fall into place, somehow, sometime.

so strange, this hanging on hangover. so strange, that longing i am feeling.