Thursday, July 22, 2004

floating fast like a hummingbird.

it's been a strange few days, these past ones.

they have been busy, but thankfully not overly stressful. - the semester is winding down, so as i settle into a study routine for the summer, things should get more relaxed, even though i still have a rather decent workload. - there's another seminar on chiemsee in november, and i am thinking about writing another paper. should i or shouldn't i? maybe on copyright contracts? or biotech patents? i'm tempted, even though it would be for nothing but fun. - it wouldn't even be helpful job wise: having all your seminar papers (and grades) from one person looks kinda odd, and i already have tons of classes from max.

in recent weeks, there were a few cool law events to get me motivated for the study-filled summer; the contracts in ip seminar and a trip to the bgh, the highest german civil court.
the contracts in ip seminar was cool. - we did some role play to work on our negotiation skills. we drafted. we discussed litigation strategy. - and i loved it. i can do this stuff, and do it well. go, me. and thanks to my melbourne law firms: you rock.

the bgh trip was by my cartel and competition law class; our prof is a judge at the cartel senate, so we got to see him at his dayjob. - very entertaining, he was just as hardcore and inquisitive as in class, while the overall atmosphere at the bench was quite relaxed and friendly.
the trip meant getting up at 5:30am which kinda sucked, but in the end it was all worth it: the three cases we got to see were all entertaining and cool and one (concerning market definintion) was very important, too.the only possible improvement: they could have served coffee. thankfully i wasn't alone in having trouble staying awake: some of the judges dozed off, just like i did.
what i liked most about the happenings at the bgh was that there was real argument happening, real discussion, real work. - very much unlike what happens in lower courts. it was so inspiring to watch.the bgh lawyers reminded me of the barristers i got to see at work in australia: well spoken, argumentative, quick minded. i loved it.
the best, however, was the bloke sitting in from the cartel department though: excellent rhetorics, firm legal arguments, fun to watch. until last week, i surely *knew* what the cartel department did as amicus curiae, but somehow i couldn't figure it out, but now i do, and it is oh so cool and funky.
now i only need to get my two exams, and do so quickly, join the bar, work a few years, become super firm at litigation, turn 35 and somehow get one of those muchly desired admissions at the bgh (it's an exclusive club of only 31 lawyers) or join the federal cartel department's litigation team.

yeah, i wish.

for the moment, it should be more than enough if those good experiences help me to get through the boring weeks of studying and paper writing in the middle of summer.

hmmm, motivation! tasty!

this week, it's not that good, my motivation regarding law:
my batteries are running a bit low, even though there ain't that much on my plate for the week. - with everything winding down at uni, i've got time to catch up with some people (cooked an excellent three course vegan dinner for till on tuesday and will be meeting thomas again this afternoon), time to get ready for my dad's visit over the weekend, time to watch the tour, time to work out.
i've finally been working out regularly again for the past three weeks, and that's been good for my overall happiness. my body feels so much better when it's in motion.
of course, i've been overdoing it, just a little bit, as well. just as usual, i have trouble realising when i've done enough. because in my world, i never do enough, no matter what i even though i feel a tiredness lingering in my legs, i went to the gym last night, intending to go to a spinning class, followed by an hour of pump and an ab class. - thankfully, outside forces stopped me from fulfilling that plan: spinning rocked (the instructor had some ltfl™ happening and it was fun and extremely sweaty) but no one else happened to be there for pump. so i rode home. which was already hard enough.
what's wrong with me and my head that i get so over the top with, so stressed out about something that is -above all- supposed to make me feel good?oh well.

so what's been strange these past days?

i'm alone at home.
over the weekend, dirk decided it was time to leave town for a while, so he had his bike checked out, bought some padded pants, packed his bike bags and headed off very early monday morning.he called tuesday night, from somewhere south of zürich, which was a bit surprising (but not really) because he had wanted to ride along the rhine to lake constance and back through the black forest. so now he's in switzerland and won't be back till next week, when his friend tammy from canada visits. she travelled with dirk and kolja and a bunch of other people through australia a few years ago, and they haven't seen since. once she's here, dirk will go travelling with her and possibly michi, too, for a little while. i won't come along: i have no funds and should be studying anyway.

afterwards, dirk and i want to go away for a few days, too, not that i know how i am supposed to finance that. maybe we'll just go hiking for a few days.

what's so odd about him being away is that it's like the closing bell to our time together. sure, it's still quite a few weeks until he leaves the city, but it just seems like he is as good as gone now.
he has already terminated the lease of the downstairs flat and the letter from the school he has applied to, near berlin, could arrive any day.
once that has happened, i have little doubts that he will move away, too. he keeps saying that he is not sure yet whether he will indeed go away, but if they accept him, i think he will go. the semester starts in late september, he needs to find a place to stay there, he needs to register as a student, take all his stuff up north to his mom's place... so yeah. once he's back, and once we've gone on our little trip, we won't have much time left together.

it feels like our relationship has a "best before" date stamped on its bottom.

it makes me feel helpless. and worthless. and unsure. and sad.

another ldr?
right now, i can't really see myself doing that kind of thing again. i have more than 5 years ldr experience, after all, and it's been so much better to actually have a relationship for a change, a real one, right here.
i guess i could do it again if it was for a short period of time, if the relationship featured a strong element of perspective. - what that means for dirk and me, i know.i also know what starting uni is like, i know dirk and how he communicates through phones and such, and i wonder whether it could ever work at all.

i have no idea about what i, what we should do.
and that's all i want to write about this right now, really, because there's so much more to say, so much more to think about.
"remember to remember me
standing still in your past
floating fast like a hummingbird"
"hummingbird" ~wilco~