Monday, June 14, 2004


am i antisocial, by heart?

i wonder, really.
these past weeks, i've gotten quite seclusive again, not returning calls, avoiding uni when possible, rarely being with anyone but dirk.

i've been a loner ever since that first bout of long-distance-relationship induced depression. over the last year, there had been improvements. the dating when the break-up happened, the yoga folks, tina back in my life and all, but now, i'm back to my loner-self, once again.
the yoga folks, i've lost after the cult incident (my instructor joined a cultish group and tried to make me join, too. have been trying unsuccssfully to write about it for weeks); tina in austria, i've kinda lost over a non-issue (a man) for the moment (which sucks, beyond words); tina in freiburg, i've been rarely inclined to spend time with lately (for no particular reason); tessie, i haven't talked to since we spend a week together in march... i could go on, and on.

i'm such a loser when it comes to keeping up friendships, especially with women.
it's not that i don't like having female friends. right now, i miss it, immensely, actually. i was never a girl with a big girly clique. when i started uni, there surely were a few girls, but it just wouldn't last. and then for years, i was too depressed to be good to anyone. i sincerely want to have a close confidante: it sucks so much that i can't talk about some things with someone. sure, there's dirk, but what if i want feedback about our relationship? some outside perspective form a close female friend would surely be nice.
bummer is, that i am however, in such a non-giver mode at the moment, that i'm the worst kind of friend anyone can imagine. it's so hard for me to give right now, it feels like such a burden to be with people right now, that i just can't be bothered.

on a more general note, part of my difficulty being a good friend is that i have some seriously bizarre expectations towards people. as if that wasn't enough, i take ages to relax into friendship and really be at ease with someone.
it's not that i am shy or reserved. - i am the total opposite; really good at striking up casual conversation and making small talk, talking about everything and nothing.

i have a few big issues though.
over the years of being depressed, i lost my understanding of the rules by which friendships function in this society. i un-learned what you can tell people, and when you can do so. i un-learned how loud one should speak and when, how you can tell someone you'd like to spend time with them. in short: i un-learned how one builds friendships.
yeah, un-learning some society rules is generally cool, but un-learning this set of rules is kinda sucky, indeed.
it turned me into being someone undefined, a blank page one time, overly open and talking intimately, speaking my mind the next. i never realised that it made people perceive me as being hard to grasp, really busy, and not needing new people in my life.
when i was still with evan and lost and lonely, the first thing i'd usually tell people was that i was going to move to australia, soon. i subconsciously really didn't want to make them interested in me, i think, and didn't want to look like i needed friends, even though i did. and still do.

and yeah, there are the expectations, too.
tell me that you don't know who kofi annan is and you're doomed. talk mean about others, making me think you might do the same to me, you're doomed, too. be too blank, uninterested in life, doomed. be too shallow, doomed. leave me waiting for you for hours, doomed. it's all or nothing for me, and that's just so silly of me. so teenage.
i would hope people would give me leeway as well, hell, i need that leeway from everyone these days, yet i have trouble giving it to others.
fact is, by excluding people for those silly, un-important reasons, i am the one who loses in the long run.

it's ridiculous of me to expect that everyone sticks by my standards of what's important, because i know my standards are odd. someone who doesn't know who kofi annan is, or who listens to music i can't stand might still be a good communicator (the past has surely taught me that), someone to have fun with, who knows.
i, surely, will never know, because i give up before i get a chance to find out.

i never expected perfection from a man, from love. why do i expect it from women then, from friends? maybe because i don't *really* want that close friends in the first place? i don't know.
maybe it's actually not exactly perfection that i want, but that clicking thing that can be there when you fall in love, when you're on the same wavelength as someone. while it's perfect, it's not exactly perfection. it's recognizing a kindred spirit.

tina (in austria) and i we differ on so many things, yet we had this clicking thing for years, anyway.

i'm starting to wonder whether that might be the core of the issue, actually.
maybe i can't bear having/building/developing any friendships right now, because i still grieve about not having her around right now. maybe i've been trying, all these months, with all those women who i've been around to re-create what tina and i had, to no avail (no one can substitute her, you know), instead of waiting and seeing which direction that friendship with that woman might take.
deep down inside, i want what tina and i had, the real thing, no substitute. i worry that we will never have that again. the more weeks pass without words between us, the lesser the chance.

yeah, that's all seriously fucked up, i know.