Monday, July 07, 2003

i looked at him today, sitting on my balcony, and waited, trying to figure out where i fit into the plans he was telling me about

it didn't and doesn't feel good, that waiting thing. - it's cowardly. and all just because i am getting scared by living in the now.

thing is: i love dirk.
i love him so much it is turning my head and my life and my heart upside down. so much i think and feel things i don't feel comfy posting here because they are so insane, after this short while, so intense, too: love making (in the truest sense of the word), life, babies and forever and always. it's insane, but feels so bloody damn good.
today, i had trouble letting that love be, letting it take whatever way it will go, had trouble letting dirk be and accept his choices and that he might be going away.

"you can ask for space for yourself/and only yourself and i'll grant it/you can ask for freedom as well/or time to travel and you'll have it/you can ask to live by yourself/or love someone else and i'll support it/you can ask for anything you want/anything at all and i'll understand it/and there are no strings attached to it"

today, that didn't work, really, that didn't feel ok.
my first impulse was to lock myself up, stop wanting, caring, loving to avoid possible hurt.

all just because i got scared.
scared by the intensity of it all, scared by the future, scared by what it will be like if he does go away, well knowing that there is no alternative to letting him go if he choose to, letting him do whatever he feels like doing. deep down inside i know i will be okay, if he goes away. i know my love won't end with that, i know that even if it does, one day, it will be good to look back at it and know that i experienced this love, in its intensity. but today, the one wish dominating it all was the one for permanence.

i want this to last. i really really want this to last. i want him.

it's so silly to want him, because i "got" him, after all (or so he tells me), and the only thing that counts is today, is the now.
i know that it is normal this longing for permanence, but right now, it's poisonous and wrong. - we're both figuring out where to go and what to do with our lives: this is not the time for putting chains and limitations on each other. and his freedom, the travelling, the adventures make him the man that he is, the man that i love.

but where do i fit in? what do i want from him, from life? where do i want my life to be?

i still haven't figured out any of that, still haven't found a balance between life and this love thing, still haven't progressed much regarding my life plans.
i don't know what to do about my insecurities and fears, i know i need to look them in the eyes and convince them they have no basis and are pointless, because all there ever is is the now, and that i am blessed and happy for all that *is* in the now right now.

it will work out, i know it. i will figure out my path, live in the now, stand up to those fears and insecurities, let him be and i and it all will be fine. but right now, it seems kinda overwhelming.

this love thing is truly turning it all upside down and inside out.