Wednesday, July 02, 2003

i keep looking at dirk, in disbelief, totally speechless, because of what i feel for him, what he feels for me, how happy i am, how happy we are. he leans on me, cuddles up to me, and it feels like home. i am wide open and in shock because of this fantastic intimacy thing, so breathtaking and sexy and the biggest turn-on i can imagine. it's all so bloody damn good.


this morning, being awake way too early (last nights vino consumption with andrea ruined my sleep cycle), dirk sleeping wrapped around me, what had happened last night, happened just like that, feeling fabulous and exciting and new, was still super present in my head. a bit of worry crept in, stunned worry at the intensity of it all, and wonder about whether it's good, the way we're doing all this, so intensely, so immediate, without holding back.
can there be too much of this intimacy thing, too much, too soon, too few boundaries?
"if we have all this, share all this, do all this already, might we run out of things to share in the not too distant future?

in the light of day, and after a few more hours of sleep and thinking, i reckon that those thoughts this morning were subconscious catholic girl shame (long thought under control) backlashashing, coupled with fear of getting hurt and me sabotaging my own happines (as usual). the first being the result of years of parental and societal conditioning and the last remnants of body shame and taboo still there, the latter the result of past hurt.

if i stop the thoughts and take time to feel what is there, i know it is right, though, all of it. it feels perfect and amazing and fantastic.
this is what i always hoped, wanted love to be, to feel like. this immediateness, this intimacy.

and now that it's here, now that i feel it, i need to get my head around this happiness and bliss and intimacy.
but i am getting there.
and i can't imagine us running out of anything any time soon.