Monday, June 02, 2003

i've had a bit of a life this weekend.
i worked out lots, spend time with tina, met kathrin, talked to jack a few times, spend a big chunck of sunday sitting on a hill in the sun with dirk. in short, i was quite the happy girl enjoying summer, and now have the slight sunburn to prove it. ack. ambre solaire 30+ (whose smell gives me flashbacks of my last trip to oz) didn't last throughout the afternoon. while i shall forget some things about aussie life, just so it doesn't hurt that much, i shall not forget the lessons learned about sunscreen and protective clothing, just so burned shoulders won't hurt so much, either.

i am dealing with the changed evan situation quite well.
i though i'd get angry at some point, like people do when grieving, but so far, that anger is nowhere to be seen. maybe it's because i got so angry weeks, months even, before those last words were said, who knows. right now, i am honestly happy for him having an opinion and mainly think it is his loss, that he won't be coming over again, his loss for not making a final try or at least saying a final goodbye, his loss fpr missing out on a much improved, much happier me, in the best physicial shape i have ever been. his loss, really.

am i still sad? in some ways, yes.
yesterday, i showed dirk a book i thought he might like, tim winton's "an open swimmer", and when i opened it, two scraps sof paper, which i had used as bookmarks, fell out: one was a receipt from dymocks geelong, where i had bought the book, the other a scrap of paper from geelong hospital, with evans full name, his pager number and password on it. it was strange to see his name on that bit of paper, and it made me sad, too. i can see him taking it out of his breastpocket when coming home in the evening, putting it on his bedside table (the one that i reworked), with his hospital id, pens, pager and all the other stuff he usually carried around.

it's sad how many things, big and small, will be different now.

it is such a giant thing to not be moving to melbourne anymore because of him, even though i am well aware that if i want to, i still can. our relationship was so many things besides the two of us. it was driving around singing along to u2. it was watching the bombers play. it was lots of music, something for kate, looking for cds at jb hifi. it was our two different languages. it was making love in all the rooms of his new house. it was cooking certain meals together. it was flying across the world. it was melbourne in all its glory. it was getting to know geelong. it was running along the river and working out together. it was being picked up in moonee ponds with pretzels. it was rituals we had. it was the poses he would strike when i walked into the bathroom while he showered.

i miss these things now, too, and the memories of these things keep hitting me, in strange moments.
saturday afternoon, i did my usual ab exercises, and realised he taught them to me. friday, i couldn't get the view of downtown coming from ascot vale out of my head. i can't listen to lots of music.

besides all that, i had started to built a life in melbourne.
i had my very own colleagues and friends, i had my own footie team that i knew and loved and cheered till my throat was sore, i knew my way around the courts and the libraries, i had my own phone number and voice mail, i was registered as a blood donor, i could navigate the city, i had applications for schools, i had taken my ielts, i knew which suburb i wanted to live in, the barista at the local coffee place knew me. i was a local, at least a little.

and now all that is gone, too, and that hurts as much as not having evan in my life anymore, which is quite sad in itself.
how did he, did we get lost along the way? how and why did all these things start to matter so much?