Monday, June 30, 2003

it's been a hectic past few days, with the parents in town.

they arrived midday friday by train, just hours after i had said goodbye to jack at the train station. friday night, they were so tame and nice i was startled and wondered what was wrong with them. saturday morning, however, started with nasty comments by my dad about dirk (whom he has not yet met, i might add), continued with my mother mistaking shopping with me for caring for me and culminated in me crying once i had got home and they had set off to spend the afternoon in france. it sucked muchly.

by the time dirk, kolja and friends (garb, doro, martin) and i were to set off for zmf to see die fantastischen vier perform unplugged (and after some booze and dope, i might add), all was well again though, and a grande night of jumping and screaming and singing along was had by all. the greatest moments of the night were doubtlessly thomas d. (man with the most beautiful tats in hip hop) singing liebesbrief and the final performance of all time fave tag am meer. fucking awesome, that night.

sunday was filled with a touristy 5 hour drive through the blackforest (including ending up in the middle of church celebrations in a small black forest village, where everyone wore tracht, i'll have to write about), which was scenic, but mightily stressful, too. i can't really explain what was wrong, but afterwards i was tired and drained and couldn't really say what was wrong, but all was wrong, and yeah, i cried again. which -for the record- i hadn't in weeks, really. not since the end with evan at least. i think dirk was lost, with me being so out of it, for the first time since we're together. it's the effect the parents have, i think, which so nicely collided with me having my period and being stressed out anyway. duh.
i would have wanted them to be there because of me, to just hang out and talk and relax, but instead it was hectic and stressful and touristy, and money was an issue at all times, and i hated it. and my mother made some of the most ridiculous comments i have ever heard.

i need some time to get back on track, i think, to reconfigure and get back to normal, and some cuddlies to ease my mind. so much change in such short time, guests, so much stuff packed into just a few days. - no wonder i am drained.

it will be well, i know it. but right now, i'm awfully sorry for how strange i have been, and how weird things felt last night and this morning with dirk, just because i was weirded out by them being here, and trying to make my point nonetheless that i was in charge of my life (e.g. telling them i didn't want them to meet, because they had an opinion already anyway, and because i neither wanted nor needed their approval). we picked up our results at the health department today (which should be written about seperately as well, i guess), but haven't had time for celebrations so far, which feels wrong, as well. negative hiv tests call for champagne, i think.

but it will be well. because it's summer, and we are in love, and life is fucking brilliant, underneath it all.