Wednesday, June 25, 2003

i have a severe case of birthday hangover. or something.

i am tired after all these birthday celebrations, tired because of the heat, annoyed because the parents will be here this weekend and my flat isn't clean enough to abide by my mothers standards, tired, too, because i haven't had a day for myself in ages. annoyed, too, because i am in pain from a bike crash that happened monday morning on the way to the hiv testing (that's what you get for wanting to hold hands while cycling. lesson learned.). i sure look like i've been beaten up, so bad is the bruising on my leg and the scraping on my knees. - it's so bad that walking, sitting, sleeping hurts.
jack is coming to visit tonight, for the next day and a half, and while that's great, after everything that's happened, i am already sorry because he'll see such a grumpy, annoyed me.

it's all been well though, really, i am just severely low on energy now, and need rest and lone time, and a cool drink, too.

last night, i went to silke's little birthday bash, which was fabulous. she had it themed - "arabian nights" - and everyone was dressed colourful and fun. it was a wonderful get together on her large balcony, with plenty of interesting people, and plenty of interesting talk. i found myself in deep talk about yoga with harilal, who is leaving for india next weekend, thanking him again for the workshop and what it did to me. i also ended up in deep talk about life and changes and my "favourite emotions" with amoth, a friend of ralph & silke's. excellent stuff, really. i also chatted to ann-kathrin, markus wife, who nearly died of hellp syndorme and an assortment of other severe complications (kidney fauilure, necrosis of the liver, severe infections later on) after giving birth to their first son three months ago. she's a wonderful, fantastic woman, and their child is absolutely breathtakingly beautiful and adorable. it was a really good, enjoyable evening. - i cycled home past one am, barefoot, happy and tired, enjoying the brief ride through the city.

my birthday on monday was fine, too: beautiful, sun, champagne, love and rigo filled day, followed by late night talking and a short night at dirk's. - it was the best in years, i'd say.

dirk came over late sunday night, and we sat outside and talked and when it was midnight i unpacked the remaining pressie from the rents (the harry i'd been reading already, and i got a hairdryer i had wished for). dirk gave me an highly personal present, that got me absolutely smitten. the little box is sitting on my desk now, right here next to my computer, and i keep opening it, looking at its contents, holding them, feeling them, admiring them. they might look like nothing to an outsider, the little things in there, but having heard their stories, they mean a lot.
no money in the world can buy a present like this. wow.

monday morning, after the bike crash, we went to the health department, which was a funny experience, overall, even though i was quite surprised how little pre-test counselling they gave. it's a week till the results, and i am also surprised by how unworried i am this time around, at least about the hiv. my blood was very light on colour again, and so i am concerned about low hb again. guess i should head to the blood bank again, to donate and see what it's like, my hb. oy.
after the blood testing, dirk took me out to brekkie, right downstairs at uc, which was a lovely little luxury. afterwards, we went to the laundromat, where dieter and marco openend a bottle of champagne on me, and fun was had by all. alcohol in above 30° weather, in the middle of the day, has funny effects.

after some exhausted napping and a funky phone call by jens, dirk and i headed out on the bikes for a half an hour ride to a lake recommended by dieter in the afternoon. it was lovely: great water, great location, few people. we swam (pretty much) naked again (i am turning into a nudist one of these days, i swear - but it feels so much nicer to be in the water without a bikini...and i must admit that i've never seen anything prettier than naked dirk coming out of a lake. yum.), were lying around reading mags and harry potter and having rigos and watermelon. a very simple, very lovely kind of fun.
in the evening, after a nap and a shower, we cooked dinner and ate on the balcony, i made the dough for jamie oliver choc chip cookies for silke, and we rode to dirk's place. i baked the cookies, he packed for his school trip (coming home tomorrow), and we talked late, about important stuff, outlooks on life. it pushed some of my buttons though, that talk, and made me feel low, unable to pin down the exact reason that caused my low-ness. it was still there when i woke up tuesday morning, still there when we said goodbye before he hurried off to the train station for his trip, and little bits of it are still here, as i type this.
i talked to evan, too, yesterday, and that re-enforced some of that strange feeling as well.
i told him that i am seeing someone, and he got very upset, telling me the break-up was all because of me, that he was replacable and obviously never meant much to me and giving me the usual mindfuck about me making all the rules and being pushy and yadayadayada.

it upsets me that i am *still* gloomy, because all should be fine and dandy and cool, because all is fine and dandy and cool. it is summer. i am in love.

what else do i want? what else do i need?

i hate it, how these old issues keep creeping up, once a week, just because, sparked by stuff i still can't really identify. i think i will take up amoth's offer and talk about them with him again.

one thing amazed me: i told dirk monday night, in our deep discussion, how things are rarely black or white for me, but many many shades of grey instead. evan, on the other hand, just 10 hours or so later, accused me of seeing everything as either black and white.

strange, really. i am realising i spend three years with someone neither knowing him, nor being known by him. how strange. how sad.