Wednesday, May 28, 2003

an upside to things being over now is that i can finally stop glossing over the bad stuff, and be honest, for real. to myself, here in this blog, to my family, those around me.

i re-read tonight what i wrote after returning in january, and can't believe how little i wrote, how i lied by leaving things out.

why did i leave out the never-ending trouble with his family? why did i not write about how they announced we should not be speaking german in the house? why did i not write about how sad christmas was and how misplaced i felt? why did i never tell someone how much it hurt that we couldn't sleep in the same room when at his parents place? why did i leave out the dissappointment about evan taking jim along to the sapphire coast? why did i not write about being so exhausted by his criticism, how i could never be good enough, no matter how hard i tried to comply with his wishes? why did i not write about my insecurities and worries, about feeling misplaced and unable to keep up? why did i not write about how he told me not to come along to an event with his colleagues, because a girl would be there who looked like me, and "i'd hate her"?

i wanted this relationship to be perfect, to look perfect. to myself, and others.

(writing this, i think about him being with someone else, and while i wish that he will find someone who can make him happy, better than i could, it still hurts. he and i, we had something, and we don't anymore, i should let go. but why does it hurt so much?)

with an ldr as extreme as this one, once people know you're in it, they somehow feel allowed to ask terribly personal questions, all the time.

how is it going with your partner? isn't that hard, that distance? how to you manage, you know, sexually? are you seeing anyone else? when is he coming over? ain't that a terribly long time?

these questions are there all the time. customers at the shop. former classmates. people from the exchange (who actually think we are married). people at gym. if people remember little about you, they do remember the 16.400km ldr and that you went on tv with it. i shared it openly in the good days, after all.
when asking these questions, they never want to hear the truth; they want the glossed over version, the happy news, that you're the ones who manage. i always gave everyone the good news and the good news only, even to those who could have dealt with the truth, like my friends, or my family. i always smiled, and said thatall was well.

i never told them how lonely my emigration plans were. that evan never even read the leaflets from the department of immigration. that he and his family recommended ways of me getting money to finance uni that were rude and insulting. i never mentioned to anyone how terrible things were when jen was still around. i never told anyone i didn't get to meet any of his friends the first time i was in melbourne. i never mentioned how little evan communicated. how i felt that if i just loved him enough, strongly enough, he would love me, too.

but i can stop now.
i can tell them it's over, and stop the lying through omission. i can stop it here at the blog, where i tried to convince myself all was well, and constructed an alternate reality, always expecting him to maybe start reading, one of these days. but he never did.

no more glossing over. just the barenaked truth.
how liberating.