Wednesday, May 28, 2003

the only reason i still somehow wanted evan to come over in july, even though it was already over in so many ways, was so we would get to say goodbye properly.

now the last time we were together will always be the goodbye in front of geelong hospital, the sunday i left in january. he had to work that day.
i remember walking through the empty house afterwards, trying to leave an imprint, straightening things, putting up a photo of me on his nightstand.

it felt like the final goodbye, flying out that day.
it was over then, somehow, and i can't really say why or put my finger on why it felt that way. it just did, and i tried ignoring it.

how strange.
maybe that feeling, and the "is that all?" thoughts which came creeping up all the time i was there, were the reason why i became so clingy after returning, why i tried so hard to not loose track.

fact is, things were over before today.
they were over before i kissed someone other than him, and when that didn't feel like the end of an era, or the breaking of a spell, as i thought it would. they were over before i slept with someone else, even though sadness settled in after that happened, because i realised it was over, and had been over for a while, and because it felt like a new thing was starting.

today was just the final blow, really, and i just wonder why he didn't falter at all. - very much not typical for him, to have an opinion, and a firm one at that.

how strange.