Wednesday, May 28, 2003

i was in a strange headspace last night.

it's been a strange few days here, and i have constant headaches, way too many things i should be doing but which i don't get done, because time rushes by too quickly, and there are other things that annoy me to no end. - it's the usual: uni, the parents, evan.
i feel like i will never get this degree, because i am such a failure. my mother treats me like i am 5 years old, and i let her do that. evan left some cryptic message, and i am not sure whether to react.
i think i know these headaches are just tension headaches, caused by stress and worries (which i have, doubtlessly), and the fear that this might be my next bout of depression sneaked in. last time, headaches were the physical manifestation of my budding depression.

last night, it all somehow culminated when i came home from watching matrix reloaded (which i -just for the record- still haven't formed a definite opinion on). i went with tina, who -i've realised again (how could i forget, really?)- apparently lives on a planet different than mine, so life felt lonely late last night, and i couldn't really reach out to the person i really longed to talk to, because there is no phone near him.

no good.

i am so bad at reaching out when i need someone, anyway. - i always make my needs smaller than they are.
i did manage an email though, and was woken up, 30 minutes after going to bed, by a phone call, which made me smile, and life better.

so life is a bit better today already.
i talked to my mother this morning, and told her how difficult it was to tell her things, if doing so turned her into big brother. i arranged for a docs appointment for friday to get the headaches checked out. i worked out. i need to do stuff for myself, and not let others rule my life. so difficult though, when there's so much to do and deal with right now.

so far, this week feels like a test whether i am indeed better, or whether the last weeks were mania after all.