Saturday, May 17, 2003

i don't get him. i don't get how he doesn't get it.

he called me this morning, waking me up, at quater to 9. we had talked on thursday, for 5 minutes, which were only about me having arrived safely on european soil. today's call was a "let's pretend all is well" maneuver, which i was too perplexed to end, because when the phone wakes me up, i am always too startled and need a big chunck of time to wake up.

he told me he misses me, told me he missed me the week that i was away.

all i replied was that it had been a little strange because this had been the longest time we haven't been in touch since december 1999. i did not miss him though. it was more me missing a habit, a ritual.

bizarrely enough, he has not asked a single thing about my week away.

not who i stayed with, who i met, what i did. nothing. not after i've been throwing in names.

i listened, asked polite questions. the only thing i truly submitted was about me running low on energy because of recent sleep deprivation and not having spent an evening alone in 3 weeks. he didn't ask what i had been up to these three weeks. he's so out of the loop, and not out to change it. this morning, all i could do was observe, and note it, i didn't feel like changing it.

there are so many things i could say if i wanted to truly, awfully hurt him, about what i have been up to, about what is so not happening between us anymore, but i don't. i still like him, still love him, on some level, yet i am truly and utterly amazed and just don't get how he can say he loves me not knowing me, not caring about what's up, not realising this is the end, my lonely friend, the end.

imagine the scenario: your partner tells you (s)he needs a relationship break, does not know where it will go, tells you (s)he is not planning anything anymore in regards to your relationship, then spontaenously goes off to another city in another country (which (s)he never mentioned before). would you not react in any way?

i would. i would be alarmed. but he isn't.

don't get me wrong, the purpose of flying out to montreal was not to stir him up, to get him to react - it was not revenge.
but i am certainly wondering why he is still not reacting.

but then, maybe that isn't that bad, after all. him fighting for real now, trying to win my love back, would quite possibly be even more alienating that this silence already is.