Saturday, May 17, 2003

i am tired tonight, and thoughtful, too.

i should think through lots, find words for things and situations, say things, but right now, i can't, really.
i realised it's been almost three weeks since the last time i spend a whole evening by myself, and almost 2 months since i wasn't totally sleep deprived at all times. tina was here tonight, and i was so exhausted i fell asleep during the chick flick we watched.
i like it, all this interaction i've had lately, all these new people, all this talking and doing things, but i need some time to settle, to process - time with myself. or, alternatively, time with someone who does not expect entertainment and sparkliness from me, as the two local blokes (who have, on two consecutive days, been proclaiming how smitten they are with me in almost the exact same words) do. - i want more of what i had last week, and i also want my austrian tina back.

i urgently need a whole day by myself, a day that i can spend with splurging things into notepad to post or not post here, time for long due emails that need time to be replied to, no appointments, no work out, nothing, just me.

instead of whining about it, i should just make time for it, shouldn't i?
however, i worry about all these new people, fear that they will be gone when i am not available when they ask or send sms, when i say no to coffees at uni cafe or hanging out or ice creams. - so yeah, i have trouble with my boundaries and my needs, now that i finally do have a social life to speak off again, now that i am finally alive again.

time to start finding a balance.
but first: off to bed.