Wednesday, May 28, 2003

i am putting the last remaining symbols of our relationship away.
"we're all over. and i'm all over town.
we've got work here. tearing it down."

it isn't that much: when i first started cleaning out and toning down to free my mind at the beginning of the month, a whole lot was put away already.

today, the last photos went into a box. every image of melbourne that was on display in my flat went with them. my water heater and the magnetic whiteboard, which i use to stick pictures on, are almost unadorned now. the large framed aerial shot of melbourne is hidden in a plastic bag and waiting to be brought into the cellar, once it has been wrapped in some cushioning newspapers.

i put away the compass he brought from thailand.
"for i have a compass
i watch the sundial
and i defy gravity
just to get myself back to you"

i need to find a new name for the blog.

i changed all my passwords.

the flowers will have to go tomorrow.
there is a dozen dried roses i got from him before he left in early 2002. throwing them into a bin will be quite easy. the bouquet from nur die liebe zählt, however, is not as easily dealt with.
should that go into the cellar until i feel like getting rid of it for real or should i burn it straight away?
i took it from the spot on the bookshelf where it has been hanging since we went on the show in january 2001. looking at my computer screen, i notice they are missing from my field of vision, these roses. they are dusty and smell a bit like honey.
i put them back into their spot for now. - i will carry them downstairs tomorrow. for tonight, they can remain up there, where i don't notice them as much as if they are lying around, waiting to be brought out of this flat. - i know that i don't need them, i have the memories of that day, and images, yet i still cling to those roses. probably just because they are real, something i can touch, and smell, and hold on to. silly me.

i can't and won't put the cds away. i will just have to watch what i listen to. coldplay's "warning sign" was background music in today's buffy episode. it made me cry.

the two shirts, the grey suburban one i kept borrowing until he gave it to me, and the cookie monster one, will move into a corner of the wardrobe.

i will keep the silk shawl from thailand around though.

the jewellery will stay where it is, in the bathroom. i will not wear it. i haven't worn it in ages anyway. it was never really my style.

i packed away the brochures and leaflets from various melbourne universities and from the department of immigration, too. that was the hardest thing to do.

but i'll be fine.
even though it hurts, this packing, even though i've been crying so hard my eyes are swollen beyond recognition, even though i've been scrunching up my face so terribly that my jaws hurt, even hough my head feels like it will explode, this is liberating.

something is ending, something new beginning.

i need to grieve right now. till now, i went along with the change without pausing for much thinking and for the sadness. even though it was over before today, it hadn't stopped for real, i hadn't stopped to recognize it was over.

today, i stop, finally.
i put life on hold to get this done and over with.