Friday, May 02, 2003

i am completely still and in complete turmoil at the same time.
and i like it. a lot.

it's hard to put into words, - hence all those lyrics these past few days.

it feels like i am growing up in leaps and bounds right now by behaving in the most non-adult way imaginable. i am putting myself, and my wishes, before everything else, for the first time in years. i'm behaving totally out of "character" (whatever that is, anyway), yet doing just that feels perfect in so many ways.

the mantra is: if not now, when?

i'll be 25 next month, and had symptoms of the dreaded quater life crisis for months: pointless worries about goals and relationships and things being different now than what i thought they'd be like 5 years ago. i'm still in europe. i am not married and not engaged and most likely will not be either to the person i thought i'd be both with. i still haven't finished my degree. i am not working the high paying job at a commercial law firm that wants my soul, nor do i want that anymore.

i realised this past week that i want to look back at being almost 25, and -hell, at my entire life- without pointless thoughts and useless wishes and longing dreams about things that might have been. - instead, i want to do the walking over the edge of the rappel tower, and act as if my life were a movie script and see what's up and know for sure.

it got kicked off tuesday morning, harmlessly enough, with a paragraph in the middle of an email making my head spin, for hours, during a busride, doing my upper body workout, during a step class, an ab class and when under the showers. what seemed insane at first thought soon seemed very needed and like the only sane, useful thing to do.
"i say fly to see me. really soon."

to which my head replied: if not now, when?

now, 3 days later, after little dramas, it's a firm, definite plan. and i like it, a lot. as scary as some things about this still are, as unsorted they are, as against what i always said i wanted things to be like.

i was seriously worried this might be some kind of mania, actually. - dr.k. says it's not, and that it's just right for me, to do what i will be doing, and not a symptom of some kind of dysfunction. i believe him.
strangely enough, everyone agrees with me, too, even the parents, who today rekindled my belief that they are actually human after all.

how strange. how wonderful.

it's still all in between. in midair. in flux. changing. exciting.
it's leaving me breathless.

i can't say that i mind though.