Friday, April 25, 2003

"i'm getting in touch these days because i want to, not because i feel like i have to...and that feels better to me.", he writes.

i wrote back that that was nice, but that he shouldn't expect me to give him a medal for that: i was taking that for granted, getting in touch when it's wanted, not because of whatever outside force.

he wanted me to do less: call less, want less, need less, plan less, and so i did all that, did everything he wanted, and now he's happier and feels better.

i became reactive and constricted myself.
needless to say, that was not very *me*, any of that.
now i go out again, meet people, don't sit by the phone, just like he told me to, and he's surprised when i am not around when he calls, when i am busy, when i am not angry because he hasn't made an effort to get in touch in how many days.

the power games are working.
in unexpected ways, and i guess with consequences he never thought about when suggesting them.

after forcing myself to do less, i now *am* less.
i need less, want less, feel the need to be there less, have given up planning.
it's all less. a lot less.

i wonder how he can feel happier, with so little of me.