Tuesday, April 22, 2003

i'm back home, and i'm happier than ever before about having my life back.

it was a very much up-and-down kinda time with the parents (himmelhochjauchzendzutodebetruebt), and it was exhausting. exhausting because i could not recharge my batteries with good stuff (like letters, and yoga, and booze with tina), exhausting because of the criticisim, exhausting because it was so much family, all at once, asking questions i neither wanted nor needed, because they circled like birds of prey around things i am so unsure about. like thefuture™. and evan. and thefuturewithevan™.

at the same time, i was (and still am) on a constant high, caused by a variant of nre™, which is sweet and mind-numbing and over-stimulating and exciting and confusing and saddening. it is the latter because of what might result out of it, what it makes me wonder and think about, what decisions i should be in the process of making instead of enjoying the nre™ so much, being so turned on, so smitten by what turns up in my (hot)mail.

i'm meeting daniel again tonight, too, which shall be interesting. i will have all my guards up. - life is all messy and confusing (and wonderful, too) enough already. no need to make it even more so, but he *is* interesting, and i need people around and so i will be out tonight, hopefully enjoying myself, possibly coming home needing a big fat drink in front of the computer again like last week and writing drunken eMails. it's overwhelming and fucking awesome, this being so very much attracted to someone. that someone is not daniel, i might add.
meeting daniel (i am avoiding calling this a date), is a symptom of things being wrong, and it has a slight taste of revenge, too. of the "he does that, so i can do that, too"-variety. which is wrong, and feels wrong, but i still do it. which in itself says a million things already.

got stuff to do: need to unpack further, need to go shopping for groceries and eat (or if I don't eat, i might be incoherent and silly by 9:30), need to write some mail, need to shower because 5 hours on a train full of dutch pensioners make me feel yucky, need to... enjoy myself tonight.

will do all that.