Wednesday, April 30, 2003

i was sad this afternoon, after phone discussions with evan.
it felt like he listened and understood what i was saying, and what it meant, for the first time in months.

i wasn't fighting the sadness and the grief (because that's what it was, really), but letting them be, and that was good.
i was starting to wonder whether i had turned all fatalistic and cold. - so i haven’t.

the day made a turn for the better through yoga and dinner with the yoga people afterwards, a rigo with tina and emails.
it was so good to sit down over food with 3 other people, and talk, be listened to, understood, - and liked, even with flaws. i am amazed by it, and feel blessed. i haven't had this in so long. how could i ever do without a support net?

claudia (who’s not regularly at yoga, because she’s a stewardess) is apparently in a similar situation, also kicked off by her partner, who is now amazed, too, by what he started off, and she said some wise things. lots along the lines that there are no bad decisions, just decisions which have both good and bad aspects about them, but she thinks making a decision is always good.
i think i agree with her.
other stuff she she said showed she had listened to me and noted things i had said in the past. the first time i was ever at dinner with everyone after yoga, i had told them i was going to emigrate, and had said "but please try to get to know me nonetheless, yes?", as if it was a joke, even though i was damn serious. and claudia mentioned that today. smart woman, this one.

in any way, it was good, the yoga, and all that talking, and it looks like we’ll be doing a big fat, drunken, dancing girl’s night out this weekend. which i haven’t done in way too long.
when he left, ralf told me he wouldn’t mind me not going to australia - he’d prefer having me hang around.
which is good to hear, and much needed.

it sounds all hippie, but no matter what, it will be, and it will be good.
this doesn't mean waiting to see what happens, - to me, it means making decisions, in the good knowledge that no matter what, it will be alright.