Friday, April 25, 2003

i'm in a state of pure & holy bliss.

the ajurvedic massage by silke this afternoon was the most beautiful non-sexual thing another person has ever done to me and my body.
thinking about it, it possibly beats about 80% of sexual things done to me and my body, too. not that my sex life has been that bad, but this massage was a whole different league.

it was just what i needed, and i want more. i needed this, the touching, the smells, the physical sensation of the warm oil and the time for myself with this awesome woman who is growing to be a friend.

i loved it all.

for the first hour afterwards, i could hardly speak, so blissed out was i.

hmmmm. i'm still practically purring.

it was such a connecting experience, both between my body and me, and between silke and me. i can not remember being touched in such a loving, caring way, ever before, just for *me*, for my pleasure and health and wellbeing.
i managed to tune out of everything for the first time in weeks. i have been unable to relax and turn off my mind during yoga and meditation lately (too many mental videotapes starting as soon as my eyes closed, not that i minded them), but during this, i was filled with pure, simple enjoyment, nothing else, no worries, no thoughts.
pretty much the only coherent sentence i uttered in the middle of it was "this should be done to babies and children, so that they feel loved, and cared for and at home in their bodies right from the start".

before the massage, i wondered whether i would be able to relax enough to give a (brandnew) friend this much access to my naked body, but i could, and could so easily. it was normal and felt right and normal and not strange at all. it's the first time a woman touched my body this extensively and it felt lovely. :)
it was full of female energy, this afternoon. if women were this nice to each other's bodies, we'd all be happier, i think, and be less evil and critical towards ourselves and others.
i have never experienced this kind of undivided attention to my body, ever. maybe i've done something wrong in the past, picked the wrong partners, maybe (most had, in fact, body hate & dysmorphia issues that could easily measure up to mine or even topped them), but this was new, and this being done to me by a woman made it even more special.

the 4 hour glory started after tea and chatting with a head and face massage using an ajurvedic paste that smelled like sandalwood. after a few minutes, i totally dropped out and enjoyed the sensations. - there's something about getting your eyebrows gently kneaded and your earlobes tucked that makes all thougths go away.

the full body massage with a warm oil mix consisting of sesame and a mix from the hospital in kerala, that smelled a bit like molasse, started sitting, which took some getting used to. it was just new that someone massaged my arms and legs while i was sitting up straight and naked apart from a g-string (which by the end of the massage had completely soaked up the oil, too). i got used to it quickly though, and by the time i went to lie on my back, and silke started massaging my belly and breasts and arms and legs and feet - just everything on me, i had tuned out and was just blissful. next came lying on my right side, lying on the belly, lying on the left, then sitting up again. the massage was firm but not rough, with long strokes, and constant contact. it took more than 2 hours. 2 hours! not that i looked at any watches.

i tried to come up with a metaphor for what it felt like, but i couldn't. i have never ever had anything close to this. i was completely drenched in the nicely smelling and feeling oil, my hair soaked up some of it, too, and i *connected* to my body, while my mind turned itself off as silke was touching me. i'm still lacking words to describe it.
when the massage was over, silke padded the oil off, wrapped me in a piece of cloth and ran a bath for me, in which i soaked for a little while and washed off the oils. in the bath, i finally woke up again, in a way, the mental videotape coming back, as i realised being this oiled had a sexual quality to it, too.

overall, it was so unique, so nice, to let someone treat me this well. so very very good, too.

after the bath, and dressing (had to go commando under the denim skirt, because the g-string was just too oily) i had to drink a herbal drink that would further the positive effects of the treatment (straight from the kerbala hospital again, where she studied). silke and i had some more yogi tea, and chatted about life, and relationship and plans, and i borrowed some books and it was just overall nice.
i hope we can further our friendship, silke and i. i want her in my life because she's so reflective, smart, strong and caring and positive. i will do my best.

i'd like try to get this kind of massage regularly now, maybe every 6 to 8 weeks. it has been so good for both my mind and psyche already, i can not wait to see what i feel like tomorrow.
it was a strange week for me, body wise, with being so very tired because of staying up late (self-induced) and being unable to sleep in, and feeling sluggish and unhealthy while at the same time being overly active and almost manic because of nre™. it's gone now the strange feeling (not the nre™ though, thankfully!), even though i know i will sleep well later. very well, i might add. unless i suddenly feel the urge to pick up the phone, which migth happen, after all.

oh, life is good.
no, actually it's fucking brilliant.

*purrr* *purrr*