Saturday, March 22, 2003

"so why do i find it so difficult to concentrate on anything else" stuart wondered today, and i, too, wonder, because it's similar for me. i feel lobotomised by current events and the tv. i should probably just turn it off, but i can't.

the events that were held in response to the war in my city today seemed and felt not right.

the prayer i went to was alright, they had an interesting reading and sermon by a pax christi (which is a roman catholic peace initiative) priest. he read from the revelation (which is actually the part of the bible i know and like best) and talked about the imagery, and followed with thoughts on the religious imagery that george w. uses - interesting stuff, well thought through.
i realised during the prayer, how deeply embedded christian culture, specifically catholicism is in me, but also noticed how detached i feel from it. - i can say the words and prayers and sing the songs, but they are without meaning, they don't move me, no matter how hard i try to bring a meaning back to them by consciously removing the ritualistic aspects. i feel more at home chanting mantras these days. how strange.

the demonstration was strangely emotionless, too. it felt ritualistic and pointless. i kept thinking how ridiculous it is that we middle-class people in a small town in germany take 2 hours off (fitting in nicely between shopping for organic food on the farmer's market, and settling in front of the telly for saturday soccer) on a beautiful spring day to walk through the street carrying signs and think it makes a difference to those who run this war. they don't care what's happening in their own country where they keep cutting constitutional rights left right and centre, why would they care about us, in a country that has fallen from grace already because our goverment opposed this war (which wasn't out of care for iraqis, or belief in the un, but because they wanted re-election. one would think george w. would understand this motive and be easier on gehard).

i just didn't have a specifically good day today.

the boy and i, we talked this morning, and exchanged views on the war (others would call it argueing), but had to stop in the middle of it, because he went out for dinner.
added to my feeling of being left behind, disconnected and very low on his priority list again. - it's such an acute feeling, i wonder what it means, i wonder whether we can rebuilt what we used to have, i wonder what it would take for that to happen. i'm sad, because there is so little coming from him, that i find myself withdrawing, too, which isn't helping the situation, obviously. withdrawing seems like the better option though: being extra pushy would only make matters worse.
it just doesn't seem like the right time to bring up what's bothering me, what i feel is not going right, - so i'm being the little martyr for now, swallowing it down and hoping it will pass, once his life gets more settled.
don't know how to deal with my jealousy though, which keeps creeping up, too. no wonder though, is it, when everyone else takes priority over me? i don't know.
what also keeps sneaking into my mind, and hurts, is that he still hasn't picked up my parcel from the post office. it arrived on wednesday, and he claims neither he, nor anyone he knows (you know, none of his flatmates, none of those he keps swopping work for) had had the chance to pick it up. - it makes me wonder why i rushed to get it all packed up so quickly, basically ran through town to get all the things i know he'd like together and also spend so much money to get it there quickly if he doesn't care.
i wonder what he cares about in the first place: it doesn't seem to be anything concerning me, not the sms, the emails, the calls.

it's sad, but right now it feels like people other than my partner, some of whom have never met me irl, seem to care more about hearing from me and interacting with me, than he does. comparing people like this is evil spirited, of course, and i know it - like i wrote above, these are changing times for him, and i really should stop this and support him and be quiet and the little martyr. - it's just not working very well, and it feels so fake, so calculating, so wrong.
that should tell me something, i guess, shouldn't it?

this afternoon, i went to the once a month saturday yoga class with bettina. - it was just katrin, bettina and me, so we got lots of attention, and lots of difficulty: a different kind of sun salutation that included the warrior pose i (virabhadrasana), warrior pose iii and half moon pose and subsequently made me topple over. uh, yeah.
also attempted pincha mayurasana which was scary and difficult. headstand seems easy compared to this: i can trust my arms and shoulders to hold me and carry my weight in that - but my hands and elbows? bettina helped me hold the pose for a few seconds, but the feeling remained strange and scary. something else to work on, i guess.
overall though, the class was good and energising. katrin and i made plans to go to the sauna together on wednesday (girls night at the gym sauna, - which is preferable over there, i don't like sitting next to body builder blokes showing off their dicks and ogling my abs, checking whether i am working them out alright. cultural lesson: we germans are naked in saunas). am not sure whether she's someone i have stuff to talk about, but it's good to have some plans, and it's good to make an effort, i think. like mentioned before: i need people around.
lastly, on the way home, i passed by a poster proclaiming the start of a 10 week ashtanga and massage course starting friday in two weeks. i do have time on fridays, the location is within practically walking distance, too....
am unsure though, whether adding another discipline and yet another teacher is such a good idea. so far, sivananda teamed up with the bit of yvengar and ashtanga that ralph does serves me well. but then... i don't know. bettina might soon not run the class at my gym anymore: we're so few people, i wonder whether they won't cancel her class, soon.
overall, though, that ashtanga couse sounds too good to pass by, the guy who will run it sounds knowledgable from the bio provided on the poster, and massage... hmmm. i'll go and write down the number from the poster tomorrow, i guess, and give the guy a buzz. if i can afford it, i'll do it. more time out of the house, more yoga, more new people. all good reasons, i think.

that much for now. not that i have anything to do this saturday night, but flipping channels on the telly (they all seem to be anxiously waiting for the next bombings, little to show, apparently), and probably going to bed, soon. as unexciting as it gets.