Friday, March 28, 2003

it hasn't been a week for writing here.
i did write several things during the week, but i was always too tired to post, and furthermore, the stuff never felt right upon re-reading.

i still wrote elsewhere.
thoughts about the boy in daily emails to someone who was thankfully willing to listen, thoughts about the war in a thread at scarleteen, which quite pointless. i get so agitated by kids repeating slogans from the telly and discussing current issues without any historical and political background, that i should simply save the time and energy and just not feel tempted to participate (apart from moderating, obviously).
i am by no means the most knowledgable person ever in regards to the war in iraq and us foreign politics, and neither do i have the solution or the greatest insight: but i do follow the news (from a multitue of sources, too), have decent quality knowledge on the un and its (legal) works, and the politics of the last century. having someone tell me that s11 was the same for the us as wwi and wwii for europe, however, just shows me it isn't worth to post my (political & historical) opinions at scarleteen, because it will hit deaf ears anyway. which is okay - scarleteen isn't a political forum, after all, and furthermore, it is intended to be a forum for teens. - i should lower my expectations (now that age-ism, sorry.).

strange it's already friday today. - so much and so little happened all week.
tuesday, i had my yoga class in the evening, which was good. ralph was away, so his girlfriend (whose name i forgot), who's also a yoga teacher and ayuveda practicioner, held it. - it was lovely. we were only girls again, and the vibe was just very nice and enjoyable.
ralphs girlfriend is a very gentle, instructive teacher. like ralph, she sang mantras as we did sun salutations, which transformed them into a flowing, prayer like experience. so good.
did lots of standing/balancing asanas, and i failed, miserably, just like i did last saturday. i do believe that balancing/standing asanas are a mirror of what you're like inside. - i was so shaky inside, so insecure and unsure (because of the boy), there was no way i could do a proper tree or half moon pose.
also did partnered dancer pose, which felt so gracious. - should take a camera sometime. - i'd like to see an image of me doing a headstand, too. - have worked so hard on it, i can now get away from the wall for some moments, and am just now realising how i am supposed to be aligned.

but well, to the boy.
his middle of the night call monday felt fake, done for the drama of waking me up at night, done because he thought i'd like it, done to make up for not picking the parcel up for 5 days. - as mentioned before, it left me crying for a good bit of the night. not good.
tuesday was better, he called after his first day in casualties, and seemed happy and relaxed - i tried hard to measure up to it, was casual and easy going and not demanding at all. - didn't feel too authentic, but at least it wasn't troublesome. while we talked though, it became clear that evan hadn't fully looked through and appreciated all the things in the parcel. - which added to the hurt from the night before. i joked about it.

wednesday was rough - had a session with dr.k, the first since the meltdown. subsequently, it just wasn't any fun.
he thinks it's over, but that i should go to melbourne anyway. rough stuff to hear.
i was quite miserable, always on the verge of crying, repeatedly proclaiming that i didn't want to cry, at which i succeeded, sucker for control that i am. must have been a sad thing to look at, me on the couch, telling him about what is the biggest crisis i've had in years, a crisis that is literally turning my life (& plans) upside down, smiling (as usual, compulsively), chit-chatting like it was nothing, sugar coating my hurt, pain that evan caused by not caring.
didn't hold up for long though, wednesday evening and night were spend crying.

yesterday, however, might have been the turn-around, who knows. i am still unable to write about what exactly happened and whether it has changed anything, but finally, for the first time in weeks, evan and i actually talked, for real. real talking, real listening.
some stuff that was said hurt (and still hurts), other stuff was indeed resolved. am i ready to proclaim all is well again? no. did we agree on everything? no.
however, we reconnected, and that *is* progress. it felt like the old days again, and we finally are on track with what the other one thinks.

- even though it is hard for me to realise he is less sure than in the past. i recently read an email he send a year ago, in which he wrote about talking to his best friend about proposing to me, and it hurts that he's stepped back so far, feels that slower progress, less committment is better.
i observe this change and can't help but wonder how that happened, what went wrong.

however, all i can do is accept the way it is. - accept, that we disagree on what it takes to move continent. i believe that it will always be scary, always be risky, that there will always be insecurity, and that waiting too long is a possible death sentence for our love. evan, however, thinks there will come a point when it's not scary anymore, he wants maximum security, minimised risks, and thinks that moving too early is a possible death sentence.
so yeah, we disagree on this basic, terribly important issue. and that's troublesome, and hurts.
it feels like he has fallen out of love with me, to a certain extend. he's stepping back and observing, at a time when moving closer and feeling more are actually more direly needed.

i hope that he regains the trust in us that he used to have. i wish he'd stop analyzing, and started feeling again. i wish he'd finally book the silly flight for july.