Tuesday, March 04, 2003

hullo jack,

ya know, i wish i knew what his problem was, or really understood what's really wrong for/with him at the moment, but i don't really, and it's been hard for me to really get what's up with him.

the short version is that he finds being in an ldr very "difficult" at the moment.

it started on sunday, when he told me he had been thinking about whether this was all worth it, whether he should step out of this relationship.

that happened after a phone conversation the day before during which i kinda flipped at him.
i had tried to get hold of him for a while (we had arranged to talk at a certain time, during which i was at the airport, dropping off my parents), and when i finally got through to him, he told me he didn't want to speak even for a minute, because he was out and about, his food was on the way, and bla-bla-blah, - stuff which i found a bit insulting, because he was out with another girl. i wasn't asking for an hour long confessional while he was in a bar, all i had wanted was a minute with him, connecting, nothing more, because i had missed our arranged phone time.
he later said he was sorry for being mean, but didn't fail to mention that my reaction had been like that of his psychotic ex, jen.

reason i flipped was because it just pushed all my "i am not a priority for him" buttons. - the recurring issue with us, really. in any way, we talked on sunday, and it seemed like all was well again, we had said our sorries, the week had been ok, but then came his aforementioned statement, like a firm kick in the stomach.
i couldn't talk for a good minute after that, and kept shaking uncontrollably. it felt like i couldn't breathe, like when i fell off the swing, and unto my back, when i was a kid.

in any way, right now, we're still together, but in a weird spot, really.

he says that he loves me, but i get the impression that what he wants right now is to be with someone who
a) is near him;
b) works with him; and
c)offers a relationship that's "less complicated" than being with me, who's far away.

you know, there are tons of people around him, that are accessible, single, smart, that work with him, hell, there's even someone living with him, that fits all this (flatmate anna), there's this other girl who he's been spending fucking amounts of time with (fiona), who he told me was seeing one of his mates, until i asked today why the bloke was never there when she and evan met up, and he told me they had just split up.

this is a recurring issue for him, too, surrounding himself with plenty of girls, because they are so good for his ego, make him so wanted and well. i thought he was over this, but maybe he isn't, after all.
and then - isn't it human to enjoy company and attention?


i guess he wants some newrelationshipenergy (TM), too, failing to recognize that all relationships take some effort once that has failed, that nothing fresh can replace what we have, our level of intinmacy, our connection and that we're basically a few metres in front of the finish line to turn this into a normal relationship, and that it would be insane to give up because of this, after everything we've managed.
as much as it hurts, i know it's been good that he's been honest with me. being honest is the greatest thing you can do for someone.
at least i get a chance to see the danger and maybe avert it. who knows.

i trust him when he says he hasn't fallen in love with anyone, but i think he just sees and experiences every singly day how easy it would be to have someone who can go to the pub with him, who he can screw with when he feels like it, go to the gym with, go for lunch with, who doesn't need explanations about work related matters, what have you. there are just plenty of replacements for me all around.

he's spending so much time out on quasi-dates with single female colleagues, i think he forgets how cool it is when we're together, and that these girls have nothing on me, that none of those fucking dates are anything close to what we have, that nothing anyone can give him is as grande as what we can have together and have had in the past.

and yeah, this all just fucking hurts.

to top this off, what has been crawling into my head has been that he's done this before, leave someone (who was far away) for someone else. he left psychotic ex for me, after all, over the phone.

i just don't feel like i can trust him, or that i can rely on him right now, when i really urgently need it. at the same time, he says he needs me, but i don't see what more i can do, don't understand what exactly he wants. it's like he's opened the door and is just pondering for a sec when exactly he wants to step out.

he's said some fucking hurtful things, too.
i told him that he should be aware that if he decided to leave me via the phone, i'd be on the next fucking plane i could get on, that i wasn't going to let him do this without face-to-face contact.
he replied to that that this made him consider leaving me even more, simply because he knows seeing me will refresh his desire to keep this relationship alive.
if he wants to refresh our relationship, he should simply buy a fucking plane ticket and come over.
he could at least fucking book for when he wanted to come over in july.

other fucked up thing was that he said leaving me wouldn't mean he didn't love me, and that he might want to return to this relationship, after all. this is the most fucking egoistic thing i have ever heard from him.
if he loves me, he will work on this relationship, as we've done before.
if he doesn't, then he should leave. there is no combo of the two, no love but still leave. it's bullshit reasoning that's supposed to make it hurt less, but it just makes it all worse. in my book, you love someone, you stay with them, and commit yourself. you don't make an easy exit, just because you feel like it right now because it's "so difficult". pardon me, it just isn't "more difficult" than it's been before. it's easy. he's got a job, he's got money, i will graduate, i am not out of my mind depressed (at least i wasn't until sunday), i will move, it will be sweet, or at least we'll know whether this is real or not. so what's this fuck all about?

i really hope all this is "just another bump in the road" that will pass and all will be well again, but i've got this awful feeling that it isn't, and that things are coming to an end. it feels terrible to think and write this.

since sunday, i feel like someone is constantly and simultaneously choking me and kicking me in the stomach. can't eat (and when i can, i overeat, yeah.), can't speak, can't listen to fucking music or the fucking radio, can't do anything at all. can't meditate. can't practise yoga. can't talk to anyone about it (have avoided the phone for that reason, and when i've talked about this with my mom, it sparked hour long sobbing). i walk around in a fucking daze, trying to function.

it's been very testing to talk this through with him, too.
i have all this things i want to know, stuff i want to understand, but i don't want to keep pushing this again and again. it hurts to feel so insecure about this, hurts that i asked him whether i can rely on him and he didn't reply (now, that's a new kind of "no", isn't it?). at the same time, i don't know how the trust can come back, what he could do to make things better again, aside from booking that flight, maybe, and designating time for us to talk.

i'm very well aware that if he wants to end this, he will, and should, and that if that happens, i will have to let him go and wish him well.
but it hurts, it just hurts so much. he says that we're in crisis, and i have no idea, no understanding where this comes from, out of the blue, out of the middle of bliss we had when i left 5 weeks ago. i am planning emigration and he's "forgetting" what it's like when we're together? isn't that a prime reason to end the planning, asap?

i'm terribly scared.
if the mere thread of this ending bowls me over like this, what will it feel like and what should i do if he decides he doesn't want to have this any longer?
all my life plans are bound to this man, to moving into his country and living there. what if he doesn't want me any more?

sorry for this whining, jack (but then, you asked for it). it's all just awful, awful, awful, and i have no idea what to do, besides trying to establish gentle communication, not pressuring him (which is hard, when all i crave is promises and stability), carefully making plans for july (which we started today), talking about what it's like when we're together.

and yeah, you've got a secure spot on the waiting list for the position of "commonwealth man in caro's life". at least canada would be closer, plus you can fly, too, what a bonus.

so, any great input, chap? thanks for listening, btw. muchly appreciated.

(needing prozac, hugs and stability)

post scriptum: felt like noting all this stuff here, just not like writing it in an artistic way. what for? sugarcoat my pain? no thanks.
i'm going to a yoga class at a sivananda center in essen tomorrow morning, and really do not know whether that's a good idea or not. i don't want to unleash the emotions nicely locked up inside (if not far from the surface - close enough for stupid music on the radio to break through to them) and know that might happen. umph.