Sunday, February 02, 2003

i've lost my body.

somewhere between melbourne, hong kong and frankfurt, it has dissapeared, and i haven't managed to find it again.
it's still there, obviously, but her and i, we've been disconnected.

these last two weeks were entirely lust-less for me, in each and every sense, not just a sexual sense.
my body has been feeling unloved and lonely, suddenly being without touches and caresses and evans physical presence. i get so used to -literally- having him within reach, that once we're apart again, it feels like someone has ripped off one of my limbs.
i miss sleeping near him. i miss kissing, and hugging, and just being near him. i miss his smell and his taste.

it might sound odd, but it's always hard to shower after the last time we have sex before one of us leaves. it always feels like washing off not only his smell, his sweat, his ejaculate, but also his fingerprints to me. that first shower usually leaves me sitting on the floor of the shower, sobbing; an experience so bad, that i showered while he was still there this time, before i walked him to the hospital. i felt like i wouldn't be able to handle it without him in the house.
i don't know what exactly triggers being emotional in showers, whether it is the fact one is naked, and alone, or because there is water already, tears aren't that obvious. i just know that when i am close to running on empty, close to breaking, showers sweep me over the edge, all the time. - happened this morning, too, when i felt so lonely, and lost and neglected after that first phone talk.

i've had trouble looking after myself, too. - i haven't felt like or had the energy for pampering myself, treating myself well, just dealing with myself in a loving way, caring for myself.
it's hard to get back to being alone after sharing life with evan. deciding what to eat, cooking, eating, grooming, handling my body, are truly overwhelming activities. it was worst on the first few days after coming back: i found myself standing in the middle of the supermarket, unable to decide what i wanted. i sat in the tub, water streaming over me, unsure about what to do next: use that soap or wash my hair? - it's so tiring, it's so difficult to decide what to do, what to wear, how to handle me.
i don't think i have ever been this out of tune with my body, and wokring out hasn't helped at all. - the only time i have felt in tune with my body has been during yoga class last thursday.
i guess part of it is the cold, too. my body has cramped up as a reaction to it, all the flexibility, ease and suppleness of summer is gone.

regarding lust, it's been the same.
there has been nothing. nada. no desire to masturbate, even though i fired up my gigolo in an attempt to ressurect my libido. no pleasure from my body. no warm fuzzy feelings.

before i left, evan and i went on a mission to get sexed out just in time for saying goodbye, like we usually do.
it's a bit of a ridiculous but fun thing to do. - we're both well aware that neither of our libidos can be calmed down for long, unless there are major life stresses (think jen or a major depressive episode) - more sex than usual quite simply doesn't do the trick for long. attempting to get sexed out is more like a last effort of sharing time feeling good, bonding, enjoying ourselves, pleasuring each other (now that sounds corny) before we have to seperate.
but right now, it seems like it has worked. almost too well.

it's not that i don't have a sex life when evan is not around, or am less of a sexual being: generally, my sexuality is first of all mine, and mine only, and not defined by anyone else. but of course my sexuality changes when i live it with my partner. sure, it remains mine- but it merges with his and in turn becomes ours. i get so used to the sharing, that i forget what it's like to be sexual without him. it feels like my body has forgot what it's like alone.
right now, all the images in my head of that sharing, of beautiful, loving, good stuff that happened just about two weeks ago, leaves me nothing but sad.

i miss it all, so much. i miss being and feeling sexual. i miss being touched and kissed and making love and having sex and everything in between.

i miss my body.