Monday, February 03, 2003

i think dr.k, my dear therapist, thinks that i have an eating disorder.

i had my first session with him in ages today, and when i mentioned going to the gym with evan when in australia (and how his going with the new flatmate felt like she was trespassing in my territory), he asked me whether i went over here, too. i asked him why he wanted to know, to which he replied that i looked like i had lost a lot of weight.

he said it in a very non-judgmental, neutral way, i.e. not the way my mother says " wow, you look so good! so skinny!".

i told him i didn't know how much i lost (even though i do know exactly how much it is) because i didn't own scales (which is true). he asked me, why i didn't own scales, to which i told him (truthfully), that i don't want the scale to rule my life.
i should have used the moment and should have been more honest and open. i should have told him that even though i don't have scales, the gym does, and my parents do, and i do know exactly how much i weigh and that it does feel like the scales are gaining control over me again. i could have told him that it sometimes feels just a tiny little bit out of control. how hard it is to decide what to eat and how much time i *do* spend at the gym.

alas, i didn't.

lying to my therapist the first session i am there again, is quite a stupid thing to do, indeed.

thing is, it sounds so *made up* for me to say that i feel like something might be wrong, or might be on the way to turning wrong. it sounds *made up* to speak about my silly eating habits and the rules that i follow and how much i work out. talking about it feels fake, like i *want* to have an eating disorder, just so that i have anyother psychiatry issue i can claim as my own. it sounds like i want a playmate for my ocd and depression. the two are so lonely.
fact is, i know all about eating disorders, i should know how to avoid the slippery slope.


maybe i should bring it up again, and simply be honest about it next week.