Wednesday, February 05, 2003

i quite gloriously failed at sticking to my freshly written resolutions today.

just after noon, after i came home from the gym, i called evan, because we had agreed yesterday that we'd talk today, just after ten his time. but no one answered at home. he didn't answer his mobile. rather frustrating. in an instant, a zillion images flashed through my head, all of them rather sickening, most revolving around variations of "he's out at nash with his new flatmate, seeing my symbol flashing on his mobile and deciding not to answer".
i did leave a message on his mobile, during which i sounded as unnerved as i was by not being able to get in touch with him. oops.
felt bad about that message as soon as i put down the receiver, but was upset nonetheless, because it's been such a trial to talk to him for more than 10 minutes all last week.

after an hour of being upset and obsessing about what he might be doing away from home, i started to get upset about being so distrusting and started to worry that he might have had an accident, that he had swapped shifts and was actually working, or that he had just missed the call because he'd been in the shower and didn't check is mobile before going to bed.

all very stupid.

just after 2, my phone rang, and of course it was him, worried about me being angry because of the message i had left.
indeed, he had spend the evening at nash, and for the first time in days, he wasn't completely tired and in a good mood, too, because the day and the evening had been good.

it was good to hear him happy and well and happy about getting along with his new registrar. how mean of me to be jealous of him spending time at the pub, when he works so much and really needs time off to socialise with all the new folks around.


but of course all was well, and we joked a bit, even though (as with many jokes) there was a grain of truth in my joking that he should send over the addresses of all the girls around, so i could send them the membership cards for the "evan fanclub" and to tell me more about having two female flatmates, a new female registrar all other male interns fancied and looking especially good at the moment, so that i could spend the rest of the day curled up in a fetal position.


he also told me how worried he was about the phone bill and that he hadn't had time yet to check calling rates, which was why our calls had been so short lately.

in any way, i failed today. completely. well done, caro.

i reckon part of my *issues* with phones stems from seeing my brother utilizing modern technology to repeatedly cheat on his girlfriend. he's a master of sneaking out for secret little mobile calls, making up stories about where he is, and turning off the phone when he's with someone else.
when i visited him in london in july, he spend a night away from the flat (with affairgirl #354), and i -staying alone at his flar- got orders to not answer the landline, just in case his girlfriend called.
it's unfair to transfer my brother's cheating behaviour to evan. very unfair.
but i keep having trouble turning off the freaking out about phones.

silly me.

i vow to be better about being an attentive, loving, caring, understanding girlfriend tomorrow.