Thursday, November 14, 2002

when i am stressed and worried (and -surprise, surprise!- i am both, at the moment), i keep getting additional worries. my mind wants more for entertainment, i guess, a little bit of variety from the same worries about uni and law and moving to another country.

you know, my mind likes worries about pregnancy.

the result was that i took a preggie test yesterday, for no real reason, no missed pills, no missed periods, no torn or slipped condoms, nothing - only completely unreasonable, unfounded worries, for nothing but the thrill of my own fertility.
one might think that at age 24, sexually sane and informed and in a stable loving relationship, i'd have understood that my current risk of being pregnant is low because of timely and accurate pill use (all well before their best before dates are due), a possible diagnosis of pcos and 2 withdrawal bleeds since i last had sex of any kind; but alas, it took a single blue line on a stick to make that space in my head worry-free again.

i am not sure what sparked this, aside from my aforementioned other life worries and stresses and a gym mate's brandnew pregnancy, and as a result, i am not quite sure what to do to avoid it in the future.
were i someone asking for advice at scarleteen, i'd tell myself to consider readiness and add methods of contraception. readiness is not the question really, as these worries come up when i am stressed and not having sex, and i doubt changing contraceptive methods or adding any, would change much either. the only option i would consider is switching to implanon, which i am not so sure about. -i might want to have a child in the next five years.

and i guess that's it, actually. i might want to have children.

i realised, yesterday afternoon, waiting for my five minutes to pass, that what i am worried about is possibly not the being pregnant thing (even though that is still a mighty scary prospect) but rather failing to recognize that i am pregnant because of the pill's induced withdrawal bleed, being pregnant and not knowing, missing out on time to have options and unknowingly harming a fetus.

i realised that i might have a baby now.
don't get me wrong, i am far from urgently wanting a baby, from feeling the urge to breed. - being a parent is still more responsibility for another human being than i'd want at the moment, and i still dream of marriage before children, still want to have a while alone with evan before we start thinking about having a family, i want to have a career and all.
however, the older i get and the more i am sure about evan being the person i want to be with for the rest of my life, the less i think "there is no way i could do this baby thing now". which is a bit bizarre.

would i get pregnant, it would still be difficult, and life-changing and whatever, but it wouldn't be as big a drama, would't need as much changing of plans as it would have needed a few years back. this is not my estrogens talking here, it's just what i realised, being eerily calm looking at the blue pigments moving over the test field of the stick.

now that's a realisation i need to take time adapting to.