i have been cleaning up for much of the afternoon, sorting through my drawers and assorted papers, throwing lots of stuff away. this place needs to be in shape when my houseguests arrive, and toning down on stuff now will mean less work when i leave in a few months.

i stumbled upon the catalogue of a publishing house that friends of my ex-boyfriend ran. mastermind behind the publishing house was nils, civil service mate of my ex, extremely smart, beautiful, talented, reckless, living the high life. i wondered how he is, haven't been in much contact with my ex since we split up in mid 1999, and hence hadn't heard anything about nils, either, and now that i got online i thought i'd type his name into google (you know, like i often do with people), just to see what he's been up to.

and the first hit is a memorial page for nils.

he died last december, 12 days before his 29th birthday, from a heart attack.
it is him, too, not someone with the same name. there's a picture of him, as strikingly beautiful as i remember him, sitting on a beach, the wind ruffling his hair.

i am terribly sad.