Monday, July 08, 2002

the past three nights have been full of strangely vivid dreams.

usually, i rarely remember my dreams. the only time in my life when i remembered them every morning was when i was on trycyclic anti-depressants, the dreams making up for all the other side-effects i experienced.

the last three nights were filled with dreams as vivid and real as the drug induced ones and all made me not want to wake up.
it's strange and enjoyable and entertaining to dream this way, at least for me. it's fun while it lasts (most of the time), and in the morning, its interesting to try to make sense of what my subconcious has been telling me, even though i don't believe that dreams are hidden messages at all.
saturday night, i dreamt of my friend timm, who i haven't seen in ages and lost touch with, a dream that i wanted to last longer, because it was so good to have him there. last night, i dreamt of a strange collective i was living in, bizarre people and rituals, a dream that was thrilling.

friday night, however, i dreamt of jack in a quite unexpected way.

i dreamt of jack and me having sex.

it was full blown detailed real dreaming, no conscious fantasizing here (which wouldn't be that startling, you know).

i've dreamt about people i only know online in the past (wouldn't confess to this, if i didn't know i wasn't the only one), but this kind of dream sure was a first, especially because i rarely have superbly explicit sex dreams to start with.

so the jack dream was strange on many levels: i knew it was him, just like you know these kinds of things when you're dreaming, and i heard his voice, which gave me that strange feeling right next to my spine that i usually get when someone talk seductively into my ear. i do have a slight aural fixation, ever since thorsten, i think. despite that, i rarely dream very aurally, so that was a new thing, too. strange to dream about a voice i've only heard a tiny wee bit of in a .wav.

as much as the dream was arousing - we had intimate, wild, passionate sex-, as terrible did it feel "emotionally". while what happened in my dream felt pretty damn good (and good grace, please give me some safe sex award, i specifically dreamt of what condom & lube i chose from my safer sex tools drawer), i felt terribly guilty because of evan throughout the entire dream, a feeling that lasted well into my waking up.
i suspect that that was actually the defining thing here. i have dreamt of sex with someone else since i've been with evan once before, and felt a similar guilt both within and after the dream back then, too.

wonder why this dream came up though. part of it is probably my re-awakening libido, making her reappearance just in time to make the last 2 weeks before i get to see evan unbearable. another part of it is probably my behaviour in past relationships, when i always broke rules and arrangements and went astray, most of the time without being fair about it. never before have i ever rested as happily and content in monogamy as i have for these past years, when i just have not had the desire to get into anyone's pants but evan's.
maybe this is my subcinscious working through past behaviour.
other possible catalysts are reading siri hustvedt's "the enchantment of lily dahl" (lily's relationship with ed has given me flashbacks about frank, must be the artist/age disparate relationship thing), and watching intimacy (which wasn't arousing per se, but the stark, very real sex scenes had "something" about them, that affected me).
but anyway.

while a little sting of guilt is still there (even though i know it shouldn't be - this was beyond my control, after all, and i felt appropriatley guilty) it *was* very enjoyable, and memorable, and nice.

just too bad jack didn't dream this, too. felt the strange urge to tell him, but trying to put it into words feels almost too personal, too lose for comfort, the way dreams are sometimes too personal, sex fantasies can be too personal for someone else to hear, the way sex can be extremely personal, if you want it to be that way.

too bad he couldn't see what happened in his mind, too.