Thursday, October 11, 2001

So I am not dead.

And haven't been abducted by aliens either.

I was simply not in the mood for writing. And had no computer near my hands either.

I guess it was a case of "the mauves" as Armistead Maupin has Cadence Roth put it so nicely in his grand novel "Maybe the moon". The mauves are vaguer then the blues, but just as debilitating.

"If I knew what the problem was, I could fix it, or at least bitch about it long enough to give them names. I feel empty and adrift, I guess, devoid of purpose. The simplest rituals of existence, like shaving my legs or replacing the trash can liner, leave me racked with the futility of it all. I long for serendipity, but there is simply none to be had. (...) I am a husk of a person, nothing more, a burned-out organism tumbling towards oblivion."

Well, it really isn't all that dramatic, really. I simply spent several weeks at home (the entire month of August, really), and worked my ass off and was depressed, and spent September here in Unitown, just as depressed, but without a phone line....It took the much hated German Telekom just 4 weeks to get me a working line. Thanks.

So here I am again, trying to re-start my online life.

Not a new thing, really: These long breaks have happened before, back when I was at Opendiary. It's just something that I do, either because of outside influences (like being without a phone line), or simply because I don't feel like writing and sharing what is NOT happening in my life. There simply wasn't that much to say. - And somehow, time just flew by. Where did the last month go? I have no idea.

So what did I do these past months? Read lots (in the last month mainly newspapers, obviously, before that -coincidentally- lots on Palestine, some new novels). Work lots at the bookshop. And avoid people. Escapism, really.

Oh well. It really wasn't all that bad. Or was it? I don't know. Or I know, but can't put a name to it.

But in any way: I am back and have a bunch of catching up to do, really. I feel pretty ok at the mo....a bit worried because I've been an anti-social slack and face this mountain of work in the new semester and so many people I've simply avoided. I'm sick, too, the result of a stressful week of preparations for my dad's 60th birthday party (which took place last Tuesday). On the plus side, I've paid off a bunch of bills that really had me sleepless these past months. At least one thing off my mind.

Today was a pretty normal day. I forced myself to sleep for 8 hours last night, got up and went to a session with Dr.K this morn (where I just told him about the birthday party, not that much, really) and later went on condom dispensing duty for ProFa at a sex ed/teen movie event.
Was rather funny, actually. Scored a bizarre plush red condom with a bizarre face from a cute chap working for the BZgA and at least got to socialize a bit.
I really don't know what is going on with Andre, the new intern at sex ed. It's all a bit bizarre, really, dunno. Out of the blue, he keeps asking odd questions (mentioning "my boyfriend" a bit too often for my liking) and thereby gets me all out of stride. Not many people can do that, even though I gotta admit he had an easy game today, simply because I wasn't feeling too great.

At least I had the last word today, told him that he should simply give me a questionnaire with all his questions tomorrow, I'd answer all his questions then, and in exchange give him the url of this blog, which I promised would make him not want to know me anyway.

We'll see. If he's cool, he'll give me a questionnaire tomorrow, when on another round of condom dispensing duty.

Later caught up with Ev, who's also sick, poor boy. Otherwise, we're doing just fine, I reckon. Told me today, that he also has someone around him showing interest, but of course Ev - never wanting to hurt *anyone* - is far less blunt than me in saying "no" or telling someone about the fact that he has a partner. The usual. He tells me not to worry, and I don't, even though I hate the fact this is such an issue for him. What bullshit. He should just go around and show and live and tell that we are indeed together. Where's the problem here? There's always a way to let someone know that you're not single. Oh well.
In any way: It would be insane to get all worried now, just about 2 months before he arrives here. - It should be bliss, really.

And the rest of the day? - Just the usual. Shopping, cleaning up the computer (which was messed up big time), and catching up with lovely Kitto. - The Catching up part quite obviously will need to continue over the coming days. I haven't had a look at a single of my regular blogs those past weeks....

Anyway. That much for a start. More soonish. Definitely.