Tuesday, October 30, 2001

Nice prompt from Heather at her boards yesterday, after she said that she herself was was "fall colours", and there is no doubt about it, if you have gotten a glimpse at the awesome photo of her rolling in the leaves.

So what is my season then?

I feel like winter at the moment, and this quite surprises me.

In general, I like all seasons. Spring, with its fresh green leafiness and awakening life. Summer with the heat and the full flowery smells, with sun salutations on my balcony in the early morning and late nigths with parties in the outdoors, or just some sitting on the balcony. Autumn with its awesome colours, the smells and the transition of things. Right now, however, I feel like winter, and I want winter.

Part of my want and need and love for winters comes from the fact that they are connected with seeing my partner. Being located in the north and southern hemisphere, we can only visit each other in the big summer holidays, abandon summer in our home countries and head into winter. The past three winters, 2 on the nothern, one on the southern hemisphere, were spend together, and now -as winter comes closer- his arrival comes closer again, too.

Another part of it is because summer and warmth seem to be neverending here in my hometown this year. - It's almost November, yet today we have 20°, sunshine and bright blue skies, and plainly speaking: I have had enough, more than enough. I want to be able to enjoy tea and cookies, wear big fat jumpers, and not feel the urge to go outside.

And a big part of it is that I am going though some rough times emotionally. Spring and Summer are seasons that *want* something from you, that you should spend outside, seasons where you have to be active. Winter lets you hibernate, and be alone, and it's socially tolerated.

So give me some winter now.

For me, winter is a calm season, a resting season, even though December is often so burstling with energy as people stress themselves through the holiday season. In winter, I slow down, I take stock at the end of the year, reflect on what has been and what could have been and sort myself. I get homey, and enjoy the contrast between the freezing outdoors and my cozy little flat or between hectic late christmas shopping and a cozy cafe (such as Cafe Hardenberg in Berlin) where you spend a few hours with Apfelstrudel and various kinds of coffee with various kinds of alcohol and reflective talks.

I need all that locking myself up in winter, the hiding and wearing thick clothes to not let the world get close. I currently long for big fat tutleneck jumpers to hide inside.
However, it's a cozy and self-reflective hiding, not a frightened one. After all that being inside, I know I'll get back to my normal (and more active self) with the chance of the new year, with springtime.

And well: I like snow. I like clouded over skies and relative warmth that promise snow. I like the calmness that transcends once it snows, I like the way it covers the world, the way it forces people to slow down and how it makes so many happy and wonder (like my partner), at least for a short while. I like sledging, I like sliding on frozen streets.
I like how snow makes the countryside look "otherworldly" and gives you the illusion of a brand new untouched world. Sure, I could do without the icky way snow turns once it gets too warm, or just gets old and grey, especially downtown, but honestly, if I get a few days of nice snow and perfectness and the chance to make some snow angels, I can deal with the slush and the overfrozen streets and falling over when stepping outside my door..

I also like the cold, clear skies and frost. I like the crispness in the air on a very cold morning.
I'm well aware that it's a luxury, liking the cold, simply because there is no way you can like the cold, if you don't have a nice warm home to come home to (that always seems too warm the minute you come into the door) or decent clothing or warm shoes or someone to be there at night next to you in bed. But thankfully, I have these things.
For me, a winter isn't a winter until it's been cold enough to enjoy spiced wine at the christmas market here in hometown, under the lights in the trees, when it gets dark early.

I even like the super dark winter days that everyone hates. The picture I have in my head at the moment is of being on the train to Berlin in January this year, of the dead, barren fields of the state of Brandenburg in front of the trainwindow, low hanging greyish clouds, and darknes falling in the middle of the day. It all just looked *right* and the trees white with frost in front of the grey sky where just as pretty as any beach scene in the carribean.

Bu alas, my love for winter isn't unlimited.
All my loving for winter would end if I had to move to far north Norway: 5 months in almost complete darkness and cold would be too much even for me. I like winter in the dose that I get here, I like it as a transitional state, a time of reflection, not as a constant state of being.

For now, can I please ask the weather gods for a cold front?
One more day with 20°C and I'll feel the need to move into my fridge and make some snowballs out of the ice in my freezer.