Thursday, October 18, 2001

My train home leave in just about 40 minutes, and I am still as unexcited about it as yesterday.

Just hopped in at Profa to see whether everyone had recovered from the party and which work would be next on my schedule. Talking to Sabine, I noticed how off my responses are this morning. I feel like there is just a tiny little layer of presonality protecting me from being the little heap of sadness that I was yesterday.
Oh well. Maybe that extra layer of Make-up on my face, MAC lipstick in Verve and my big glasses will help me keep the world away from me during the train ride so that I don't have to work on keeping that appearance up.

Tonight, I feel like lying in hot water for an hour and looking after nothing but my outer shell. If no one gives me the feeling of being looked after, I need to provide myself with some good loving vibes. Hand me the aromatherapy bath stuff.

Will post over the weekend, if a little less, simply because I have to drive into shoptown to have some net. You all have a good one.

Leaving you with another quote from Andrew Solomon's book, on how depression starts:

"The first thing that goes is happiness.

You cannot gain pleasure from anything. That's famously the cardinal symptom for major depression.
But soon other emotions follow happiness into oblivion: sadness as you had known it, the sadness that seemed to have led you here; your sense of humor; your belief in and capacity for love.

Your mind is leeched until you seem dim-witted even to yourself. If your hair has always been thin, it seems thinner; if you have always had bad skin, it gets worse. You smell sour even to yourself.
You lose the ability to trust anyone, to be touched, to grieve.

Eventually, you are simply absent from yourself."