Sunday, October 28, 2001

I sometimes forget how strongly some of my memories are connected to my sense of smell. The worship in my private temple (aka "the bathroom") tonight reminded me though.

Using up some leftover Neutrogena Deep Clean Cream Wash that I had found in my bathroom cabinet (it's the kind of place where such a huge tub can get lost) my mind transferred me into Ev's shower on a weekday morning, to being in there right after Gareth was out of there, trying to hurry up just so that everyone else could get going, too. I remembered what mornings were like over there, how Ev and I would have breakfast together, silent, sharing the paper.
Right now, I smell like Shiseido Energizing Fragance, also stuff I hadn't used in months, and which reminds me of Singapore Airport, on my way to Australia. It was 6am or so, hardly anyone was there, and I stood in one of the bathrooms and tried to wash the flight from Frankfurt out of my face, tried to feel more awake an used that fragance.

Sounds all rather profane, I know, memories being connected to smells of beauty products. - But then it's practical, too:
On nights when I go out (alone, knowing I'll have to face the horrid world of coupledom), and want to feel close to my toyboy, I just use Jean Paul Gaultier's "Le Male", and his smell surrounds me for the evening. Ev doesn't use it every day....just on special occasions, so I smell like he does on a weekend night, ready to go out, it's a smell that -when he wears it- makes me want to crawl into him and stay with my face on his neck non-stop. *sigh*

It's just like that with smells of places, even though these obviously can't be recreated as easily as by getting out a bottle of perfume or using a certain body lotion.
Oddly enough, Ev told me today that when he imagined being here, he thought about me in my tiny little flat and had my flat's distinctive smell in his nose, too. - And he's right, my flat has its own smell, and when I come into the door, it smells like home.

One place I'll always remember for it's smell is the castle where I spend so many of my summers as a teen. That old building has a unique smell that I've never ever smelled anywhere else. - As soon as I enter the courtyard, it's there.

I don't know where exactly that smell comes from. It's a very humid smell in a way, maybe caused by the significantly lower temperature in the courtyard and even more so in the building even in the midst of summer. It's maybe the plants there, too. Or whatever else, I don't know. But I know that sitting in that courtyard, no matter at what time of the year or what time of the day or night, the place is filled with memories, that come flooding to me, even just by the smell.

I remember lots of nights spend up on that stairway in the courtyard, being overly tired and full of emotions or having a few beers and fun, I remember Stephan up there, maybe because of that photo taken up there, one of the few I have of him, which shows him the way he was - smiling. I remember Thorsten, and all the fights we had up there as well as those first exciting kisses, that were free of the anger towards each other that we'd have between us later.

I am actually happy that that smell can't be reproduced too easily, happy that I don't really have to fear I'll enter a building over here that will remind me of the castle. - Would be a bit much. I want to choose when to remember all these things.

But well, these things are all marginal, really. - The best, and most unique smell that I know and that gives me the best feeling in the whole world is that of my boy himself, without JPG's help. The smell that surrounds him when I wake up next to him, the smell of his hair and his skin, what I smell when I am close to him, when I press my nose into the side of his neck. And smelling him, and feeling him, well that leaves me speechless, and happy, and in awe.