Wednesday, July 04, 2001

"I remembered you on trains
so now you are on every train I hear"

"old pictures"
~something for kate~

Last night, sitting on the tram, going home from the gym, I realised how much in this town already reminds me of Ev, and how much I miss him around, how much I wish I could share the everyday things with him. And how excited I am that we will be sharing the everyday stuff at the end of the year.

I remember how we talked about all this last year, a few days after I arrived in Melbourne. How strange it was that everything was new for me, everything that was so normal and so full of memories for him.
Driving along a certain street meant for him driving past the place where Jen used to work, past his school, past his docs office. For me it meant: driving along a street in Essendon, noticing how different yet familiar things look. Not more. No memories.
It was bizarre for him, because everything was fresh and new for me and had no meaning and no memory. He had never realised that it must have been like that for me over here.

Sure, today, I have lots of location memories of Melbourne. Tons. I will probably always remember that horrible argument we had walking to the tram through Uni. Sitting at Uni, under this odd roof, I will always remember sitting there with Jill, having Fish'n'chips on the day that the kids went home. Being at the MJG will always be being there for the first time with Grant, having a beer and a nasty & yummy "Four'n Twenty" pie. Collins street will always be work at FAL. Lunch breaks alone or with Shail and Rosemary and Julien. It's strange that I have so many Melbourne memories without Ev. But probably good. That town is mine, at least partly. :)

So I realised I see Ev here, so far away from him. So many things here are connected to him. Last night, being on the tram going over the train station, I remembered how I picked him up there that Wednesday night when he returned from Munich. How excited I was to have him back. Dinner was waiting at home. We had a great night, wine, food, great sex. It was so normal, to pick him up at the train station. And I remembered it, and the pain of missing him was all mixed with knowing I will have normalcy in a few months. And it was a strange mix of pain and pleasure and excitement.
In my mind, I see pictures as to how we will organise our lives together, and I wonder whether I am any close to what it will really be like. I am so much looking forward to it, I can't tell you. It will be normal. We will both be working. We will go to the gym together. Sleep next to each other. And it will all be good and normal. It will be a test of some sorts, probably, but I can't tell you how much I am looking forward to it.


During my birthday picknick, looking at the gondola going up the Schauinsland, all I could think about was what happened in there. :) It made me smile.

Indeed, I remember Ev on trains. I remember all our trains, I see him sitting in that dark compartment when we first came down to Freiburg this year. I remember him on the ICE to Berlin. I remember him on the train we took last year on our way home from camp, when we had sex, finishing just in time for the conductor to come in. I remember him on the train to the airport. On the train that I hopped on just as he took off with his plane. I remember him when the train stops in Frankfurt at the airport. I remember him on trains. Not only on trains, but on trains nonetheless.

I remember him by the little things. Ordering a Schokomouse always makes me think of him. Saying it's a Schokorat does even more so. I miss him so much, I can't tell you.

I can't wait to add more memories to all these. And to not miss him for a few weeks. So good to know that this time is coming, indeed.