Wednesday, July 18, 2001

I feel down today. Just like that.

Can't really pinpoint what caused this, but I feel down and am doubting everything again today. And feel like a loser. Not so good.

Ev noticed while we were talking via icq and called me, and that was very sweet, even though I hardly talked about what was happening in my head, and when I felt that I could start discussing that, he got tired and had to go to bed. But it really didn't matter much, the call in itself helped, even though I still felt like curling up on my bed afterwards, and almost started to cry because I just needed a hug and being held.
I hate myself when I get insecure when he mentiones other girls. I should feel assured and safe and loved. - He has made all that effort to come and see ME after all! I wish I could turn down the voices in my head. I hate myself when I am curled up in fetal position. I am not like that. I don't want to be like that. I want to function well. And be normal and feel good.

I watched the mountain time trial in the afternoon, and that cheered me up a little bit. Lance's performance rocked. I don't know how I will get through tomorrow though: tis a rest day, after all! :)
My hunt for the special TdF edition of TOUR magazine was succesful today, finally. It's just 32 pages or so (and much of the info is online somewhere anyway), but still very interesting. And such nice pics, too!
Also spent an incredible amount of time in my bathroom in order to relax and make myself smooth and good-smelling. It has worked partly, indeed. But still. Some physical contact would be nice now. Would say so much more than words.


I haven't mentioned yet, that Cordu's dad died yesterday afternoon. It all came rather suddenly, really, he went back into the clinic last week because he felt weak, and they just found him dead on the floor of his room yesterday. My guess is that he simply had a heart attack. At least he didn't suffocate slowly.
Feel very sad for Cordu and her family though.
Maybe part of my being down today is my incredible anger towards Fabian.
He left Cordu alone and didn't go into the room with her when she said goodbye to her dad. Such a coward. He said he was afraid he'd cry. What bullshit.

Oh well. Enough tragic for now.
A nice old Buffy episode is on tonight. Looking at David Boreanaz should cheer me up.