Tuesday, May 15, 2001

What a pleasure to finally feel all those muscles I has forgotten about again.....I've been such a lazy bum lately....so the pain I feel now, after completing my first BodyPump class in ages is surely well deserved. It was LOVELY. It's so odd how well my body remembers all those movements, and the correct posture from hundreds of hours of working with the barbell (seriously!) back in 1998, when I went on my first "Alaska Improvement" Mission over the summer (while my then partner was away in Brasil) and came out skinny and muscular and pretty and fit (even though my first serious bout of depression quickly got rid of all that success again). Very odd, I really had a massive success that summer. I want that back.

Going to the Gym is weird though. It sure makes me feel good (afterwards), but it isn't terribly good for my self-esteem, it's not the communal showers (I really don't mind these at all) - I just don't like to watch myself in the mirror all the time. I hate full body mirrors. No matter how much I love myself most of the time, there is nothing in the world that helps me love these legs of mine that don't want to become the way I want to have them. Maybe liposcution and not eating for a few years would help, but those aren't options anyway. Even at my skinniest, my legs were still this way. We have a ten year love-hate relationship, my legs and me, even though ten years ago (looking back on it) those were damn fine legs. Oh well.

I feel guilty at the Gym, too. Simply because I see all those people who were there when I started, and because I had this massive fall out last year (and these past few months, too) and lost the glorious shape I was in and basically have to start anew, which just sucks. *sigh*

I should really just keep going there, no matter what. No guilt, no mirror, no anything should kepe me away from there. I need working out, it lifts my mood, it's important for my health, it helps me feel good, it helps my legs to maybe at least change a little to what I want them to look like.

Anyway. I feel pleasantly sore. You know, this slightly warm, achy feeling in your muscles. Very nice. More sports tomorrow.

What else....still haven't started the stupid flyer yet. MUST do that now.
Talked to Kitten and Linnie this morning, which was fab. Missed Kitten so much, she just returned form her love & orgasm filled weekend with her boy. Am so very happy for her, I can't tell you. Linnie is bored to death at her work, which makes me a little sad. She would ahve so enjoyed the editorial spot, and now she's stuck with non-challenging data entry bullshit. 7 weeks to go, sweetie, you can do it.

Finally got a note re: the painters. I almost freaked yesterday, seriously. It will take 3 to 4 WEEKS until they are done. 4 WEEKS! We are supposed to clean our balconies immediately, but I won't do that until they are basically standing on my balcony, asking me to do so. No topless sun bathing during the week. What annoys me more than the fact they will be painting the house (will be nicer without the fire damage/I will hopefully finally get rid of the horrible brown balcony colour) is the fact there will be scaffolding for that time. i.e. no open windows or doors when I am not home or at night (which is the only way to survive the warm weather round here. I always thought living on the 2nd floor was kinda safe, but with scaffolding and ladders leading right to your balcony...not really.

Off to start the flyer work. Tina will be here soonish (for a lunch break) and I should really get to the ATM beforehand to get some money. Duh.
Later a session with Dr.K, and I am slightly scared I might have yet another break down today. More on that later.
Just have this odd feeling.