Tuesday, May 15, 2001

Tina dropped by at 12, just as I came back from the ATM. We had a lovely time, really. Went to Cheers for lunch (had a massive amount of dead turkey & fries) and for a little shopping spree afterwards. Very lovely.
Finally bought some decent work out shoes. It really was about time, the ones I used until today were dead even before I joined the gym (i.e. 3 years ago) and were so worn out that they were dangerous. And they looked crappy, too.
So I bought a pair of Reebok Rejuvenator Trainer DMX. Yup, expensive. Very expensive, actually (and not money that I really have). - But the only pair of training shoes that would actually fit and feel good (and that had enough cushioning for my not so little weight). They aren't the most beautiful pair of shoes, really (they seriously look like boots and kinda odd with bare legs - have been walking around with my sweat shorts and the new shoes in my flat this afternoon) but they are comfy and fit well, and that's the most important thing). Can't wait to work out tomorrow. Would have gone today, but I still am way too sore from Pump yesterday...oh, the pain, the pain, the pain. :)

Tina went shoe shopping, too, and I found her some really pretty Paul Green shoes. Very pretty, I would have bought them, too. Even though town was packed and it was raining, we had a lovely time. It's fun to be in town with her, and we shopped successfully.
Stared at the lovely see-through shirt by Kathleen Madden at Kaisers again. *sigh* Tis so lovely. *sigh* again.

Came home a little after 3pm, went online for a little while and met Heather, who let me have yet another sneak preview, this time at her upcoming article on adult/minor relationships. And she quotes me (extensively, on the relationship with Frank - wonder what he would say if I told hime), which is, of course, fab, too. It's excellent, and has a bunch of very good arguments. Very simple & very stromg. I shall link to it as soon as it is online.

Rushed off to see Dr.K then. Told him straight out that I was feeling "kinda ok" again and didn't really want to dissect the "kinda" again and end up feeling fragile and sad and crappy and lonely (like last week), mainly because I have the paper coming up tomorrow and all. So we had a relatively non-sad session, even though that doesn't mean it was any less "serious".
So what did we talk about today? I told him about my blog and why I have been having some form of an online diary for almost 1 1/2 years now. I told him why some things from last week had made me so sad (I still find it very sad that I can't paint a future "dream" situation where I would be happy - such as Heather's "farm in mexico"-thing). I told him about the stuff I wrote yesterday. On Jen. And then we dissected that (well not her, the issue).

I really would like to not care. I really would want to be able to hear her name and not freak. I really would want to not worry. But I can't. So we discussed that and ways how I can care less.

And that was hard enough.

Thing is, I am not angry at Jen. Do I have a reason to? Nope, I don't, really. I "won" after all. She never did anything to me.
I am angry at Ev. Angry, because he doesn't treat her normally. Angry because it sends me "something is wrong here" vibes. Angry because he spends so much time thinking/worrying about her, and I have no idea whether he worries about me at all. And because being angry at Ev isn't good (in my head), I get angry with Jen.

And you know what I think: given the choice, people always decide against me. And the fact he has decided in my favour for the past 18 months doesn't mean anything in my head, simply because I know there were times when he really didn't want this relationship. I know, I suck tonight, but I just can't help it, really.

I want proof. No appearance on a white horse at my door, no ring, no big thing....just calls without TV/parents/family in the background. Caring. "I love you"s.

Too much?

Oh, and yes, some holding would be fine, too.