Monday, May 14, 2001

oooh, blogger is finally back on (or so I hope). Geez, this was frustrating, very frustrating. I started playing a little with the template on Saturday afternoon, just at the exact same time things started going wrong at blogger, and for a while I couldn't identify whether it was me, the slight playing with the template, blogger or whatever else. Quite relieving to read I wasn't the only one who got the super annoying "error 210". Anyway, I hope things are up and running again. I missed my blog.


Quite odd that the weekend is already over. It passed way too quickly, and I could very well do with another day of doing zilch (not that I will do loads today anyway). The new paper in civil law will be handed out tomorrow, and the honeymoon will be over then, definitely.
Have a few things to do today.....should get the flyer for Planned Parenthood done until some time this afternoon (just so that it is out of the way), I really couldn't be bothered yesterday, just wasn't in the mood, the weather was too nice and I just didn't feel like doing any creative work (not that I feel ultra creative now).

It was a nice weekend, overall, if you substract that psychobitch bullshit. Spend Saturday enjoying my balcony and the sun. Silke came over Saturday night, we (or rather I) cooked, watched the finale of BigBrother, where the third participant from the former GDR won (and not Wulf, who I had supported), alternating with the Eurovision Song Contest from Copenhagen, which wasn't half as good as in the last few years. Estonia won, with a song that was simply very very bad. But then all songs as the ESC are usually bad, so.... well, what did I expect? At least I am happy for Estonia. German participant Michelle came in on as #8 with her song "wer liebe lebt", and that was not too shabs, I guess (even though the song sucked just as much as all other songs and I guess most votes that she got came from people admiring her breast job). More than half the fun of watching the ESC is to bitch about the shabby songs from Malta/Lithuania/wherever else, there really weren't any good things there this year, so lots to bitch about.
Silke was as "odd" as usual. I really have no idea why she is so difficult to have around. She never relaxes and is worse at wanting to keep an appearance up then me. And that really means something, I guess. Oh well. It still was kinda nice. She's just sooo complicated and too little fun to have around.

Sunday was lovely. Simply very very lovely, hot and sunny. I woke up at 8 (a lot later than all last week), and sort of straight away went out to the balcony. Drenched myself in SPF 20, put on my bikini, and sat in the sun and read. Quite lovely. Figured out that I can lie topless on my balcony, if I make a point of lying nicely cushioned on the floor (and not in my balcony chairs) and just enjoyed feeling the sun on my body. :) yay. Started to wonder, after a while though, whether you can still look into my blacony from up above, there simply are tons of little planes flying flying pretty low right over here (and onto the little Uni airport). hm. Flytrappy, your opinion?

Being completely protected from view or not, it felt lovely. Sun on skin is great. Felt all warm and nice and great.

Sitting in the sun, I called Ev, who told me more about calling Psychobitch and the party on Saturday. I made a point out of not asking about it, I really simply didn't want to ask because I knew I would get all angry. They talked twice, apparently, and she called him and they talked for 1 1/2 hours. How very sucky. I just hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. Urgh. I don't want her in his life. Not at all. I am in no position to tell him what to do, and I feel really bad for wanting to do just that.
Ev thinks talking to her was necessary so that she wouldn't make a scene at the party, but I keep thinking she wouldn't have dared to do that anyway. Everyone thinks she's being completely ridiculous these days. Fuck, they split up 1 1/2 years ago, she should really grow up, get a life and get lost, and stop acting all hurt and betrayed and what the hell. The whole bullshit she pulled back when I was in Oz lasty ear and even more so when Ev came over this year was so completely and utterly ridiculous that no one takes her serious in regards to Ev these days. Fuck, she is the EX, she has no fucking point anymore. She hasn't had a point in 18 months. She should simply get lost. And never ever show up again.

I don't get why Ev still thinks he has to look after her and worry about her. Really. He has no duties towards her, he should simply greet her and pass her by and not try to avoid her, and it would all be well. As much as I liked his recent avoiding of her, it really is ridiculous on closer preception. Does he have a reason to limit his life because she hasn't gotten the point yet? I really don't think so.
Argh. I hate her so much. Fuck off, Jen, just fuck off and leave us alone.

Ev said psychobitch thinks his health problems were caused by all the stress (with our relationship, because of her stupid ultimatums, I might add) he had last year. Quelle surprise.
I said that all last year, too, but apparently, this wasn't registered. Who caused the stress and the guilt and whatnot back then? Yup, Psychobitch. Congratulations, girl. And be proud, you also played a not too little part in my depression.
I shall repeat it again, I guess: FUCK OFF. Just FUCK OFF and leave us alone. It was all well while you were away, while you didn't call, while you were off the scene - and I won't fucking let you change that. You don't deserve all the thoughts I wasted on you. You don't deserve all the worries Ev had about you. He always worried way too much about you, you made him feel guilty for something quite sad yet very normal (falling out of love with someone and in love with someone else again) and as shabby as you treated him and me and as fuckingly stupid the things were that you demanded - you never deserved one ounce of all the attention we gave you.

FUCK OFF, Jen. JUST FUCK OFF. You'd make two people very happy, instantly.


I hate her. I hate her in his life. I hate her calling him. I just hate her. And even though he assured me this was all necessary so that he can worry about her less, I keep expecting this to be the start of it all again. I just can't and don't want to go through the trouble we had with her last year ever again. Never ever. I have enough problems with my self-esteem and self-value and feeling loved without her messing around in his life. I seriously could not handle it again. I just couldn't.

Yup, I got slightly agitated while on the phone. Ev tried his best, but to me, she's what the red cloth is for the torro. I hate her. I go blind with anger whe she appaeares on the scene. Last year, I pretended for such a long time that I was okay with her being around, even though I wasn't. I won't ever do that again;that almost brought this relationship to an end. I will never ever happen let that again. *sigh*

On a nicer less-psychobitch related note, I miss him. I want him here. I want safety and feeling loved and not worrying about her.
I know she can't "steal" or "take him away" from me. If I thought she could, it would mean that I'd regard Ev as a willingless "thing", which he simply isn't. I should be able to rest and be calm and not get angry at her being around and trust in Ev and our relationship, but I can't, and that makes me feel foolish and childish and dumb.
I want peace of mind. But where can you get that? Can you buy it in cans?

In any way, yesterday was still nice, even though the phone call was far from nice/long enough/raunchy/really re-assuring. I just don't want to feel disconnected from him, and that's jsut waht always started when he and psychobitch started communicating about their "relationship" again.

Uhm, the rest of the day, yes: Spent a big chunk of the afternoon (when the sun had dissapeared from my balcony and I had maxed out my SPF) in front of the puter, chatting with lovely Mary and equally lovely Beppie (who I will probably end up meeting this winter), which was very nice. Had a very late lunch/early dinner. Watched the first episode of the summer season of all you need is love. They still aren't using us in any TV spots though :), quite sad *lol*. They do have an ad though with the LDR couple that came a week later... Seeing Kai, the mod, and hearing the music and seeing the studio was a little much, really. Could have cried throughout the show, really, simply because I wanted to be there again, because of "been there, done that", because it was kitschy and romantic and because it was so cool that they got Ev for me and we had the best time of our life and saved our relationship. Should really eMail Jenny, who was responsible for our entire thing, again. *sigh*

Well, what else? Of course I talked to my mom, who only got her mothers day pack today, because my dad hadn't picked it up at the post office on Saturday. Spend the rest of the day doing this and that, fiddling with online stuff, jamming together a few photos for a stupid little gallery site at msn, talking to Heather, who let me have a sneak preview at the upcoming gallery with photos by Geoff Cordner (who rocks, very much so) for the upcoming body image issue at SL and doing this and that.
Checked my footie tipping, too, and even though I had glorious 6 (SIX!!!) points this round (out of 8) and was only 1 point away from the actual goal difference in the tie breaker game, I fell on the competition ladder from #2370 to #2692! I was #1923 in this come I got worse competition wide? Sucky.
Oh well. I won't win the trip with the team anyway now, *lol*.

Logged off at 11 or so and went straight to bed. I really don't know, I was very tired from not doing much but lying in the sun. Cancelling the gym plans with Tina (who was very hang-overed all day) yesterday was the best decision ever, it was way to warm. Will be better to go sometime today for a BodyPump lesson.

Dreamt odd stuff about computers (with strong sexual undertones) last night and woke up freezing in the middle of the night. Still too cold to sleep in the nude and with thin sheets these days.

So right now, the sky is overcast. It's a freezing 17°C. There is a post left in AAS that I don't get for slang reasons. I am annoyed by the sucking up behaviour of a poster at ST (sucking up should be a reason for instant removal frm the boards). I need to get started on the flyer for Planned Parenthood. I want my archives fixed. I want lunch soon, but have very little adequate food here. Hm.

Anyway. Time to get creative. More soonish.

Let's just hope blogger stays alive & responsive. If I now get an error 210, I'll throw a fit.

And in case anyone knows how to fix the blogger archives...could you jump in and help? I have no idea what is wrong and why I don't get them. Looked it up in the help section, acted accordingly, there are no settings I can change now, and the HTML should be correct, too. I bet it really is just a tiny little thing not worth being posted in the help area, so if anyone knows how to help, please do so.