Tuesday, February 22, 2005

bipolar, almost.

it's strange to be me at the moment.

i know that a short busride away, dirk is terribly unhappy. when i went over to his place for the sequel of the breakup (and picking up the books and records and things) and saw him, my heart broke again and again and again.
i can not remember ever seen someone that hurt. someone that hurt because of something i've done to them.

he sat huddled on that bench in the corner of his flat, and he looked like a wounded animal. i felt helpless because there was and is nothing i could or can do to make him feel better, when i've always made an effort to do so over the past 20 months.
the last time i was at his place he'd drawn a smiley face above his table, because he'd splattered paint on the wall by accident. on saturday, that smiley had been changed into a grimace.

i wonder how he is. but he doesn't want any contact with me, and that's okay, of course. i won't ask anyone else how he is, either: i had to promise him i wouldn't. it seemed to be important to him. maybe he is trying to punish me in some tiny way.
i'd do the same if i was him.
he kept telling me on saturday that he wasn't believing anything i was telling him, and that's okay, too. if i were him, i wouldn't either.
i think i resisted the urge to plead my case reasonably well. what good would it have had? none at all.
he's terribly hurt. he'd be even more hurt if he knew details. not that i've been lying to him. i haven't.
but i've been avoiding that "he could possibly be the soulmate" stuff.
it wouldn't be any good.

i'd written earlier that i was hoping he was destroying my stuff if this was making him feel better.
turns out he's been doing just that. it actually hurt me tremendously when i found a painting i'd giving him for his birthday in the bin and heard he'd destroyed a sheep i'd given him for christmas and had broken the cd through which we'd met. he said he won't keep a single photo, a single letter, nothing.
and as weird as it is: it's hurting me.

it's just things. he hasn't realised yet, i think, that their end won't make the pain go away. at all.

so i'm feeling like shit about dirk feeling like shit because of me.
i worry whether this is a serious flaw of my personality, how i deal with people at the end of relationships, even though i think this has been as "fair" as it could have been. i wonder whether chris knew more than i did when he gave me the lyrics to "caroline says" all those years ago.
and at the same time i'm excited and deeply happy and -gasp!- in love. it's a week to go. how could i not be excited?

me, i'm bipolar, almost.