balance.

i don't believe much in astrology, generally speaking. however, i'm super fond of rob breznys freewillastrology. he's been a wonderful thought-sparker and idea-bringer way too often, lately.

here's what his last horoscope of the last year for cancerians read:

since 1991, my cancerian friend jared has donated blood to a local blood bank 105 times. he volunteers as a big brother to fatherless kids and donates 20 percent of his salary to charity. yet i've never once heard him ask anyone for help. vanessa, another cancerian friend, compulsively takes care of all her friends, bringing them home-cooked meals and thoughtful gifts whenever they're down. i know she suffers bouts of depression herself sometimes, but as far as i'm aware, no one brings her treats. jared and vanessa are going to be the poster children for my crusade to bring balance to your life in 2005. you simply must stop giving more than you receive; you've got to expand your capacity to accept assistance and blessings from other people.

after weeks of giving, giving, giving, i think he's got a point.

of course it was necessary that i spent these weeks with my family, working my ass off, supporting them emotionally. of course it was good and the right thing to try and make the holidays perfect for everyone but myself. of course it was great that i supported my parents in this hard time, and it was satisfying that i was able to do so.
- but i've had enough for now.
more than enough.

these past weeks have exhausted me. i've gone from my usual early-riser self to sleeping late (in my world, sleeping till 8am is sleeping late). i've been exhausted to the point of being unable to talk on the phone, to reply to email, to think for myself.
i want my life back, my usual duties, my usual working out, my yoga and my meditation, my world.
thankfully, with being back in freiburg, i'm on the right track.

being at home always pushes me back into the role of the child, and over the last days at home, not having control over my life and my time had been getting too bizarre. too bizarre to put into words.

but i'm back. time to reconnect to that life i used to have, time to create a new one.