Monday, August 04, 2003

that's what you get for wanting the moment to last:

dirk is going home up north, for a few weeks at the end of the month, when the lease of the flat he shares with kolja ends. he wants and needs time with his family, and life down here is awfully expensive, and he hasn't got a job yet, nor an internship.

it's fine. of course it is.

but it still hurts, for reasons that have little do to with him, and so much more to do with me, and past hurt. i worry that he'll forget me and that what we have will turn abstract while he's gone. i worry that he will get a fabulous internship in a great place (which i really hope he will get), but will head out to south america or new zealand or wherever welse, without seeing me again. i worry so much, made a silly scene last night, for no reason at all.

this just hits all my buttons, his leaving, brings up all my fave emotions, even though i consciously know it ain't a big deal at all, and that we'll be fine, that he'll have enough of home in a short little while, and that it'll work out.
but today, i'm still feeling kinda blue.